


you've got a vicious streak

by zappactionsdower



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: I don't know what I'm doing here, if i explained it i'd give the plot away, it's a mystery but not a scooby doo one, lysithea / cake is the best ship, probably not as shippy as one would like though, so i won't!, there's some blood though not tons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-01-08 07:38:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 20,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21232187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zappactionsdower/pseuds/zappactionsdower
Summary: Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a little knight who was very sad.  For his brother had died and his best friend almost died too.  The little knight grew up, and decided to go to Garreg Mach Academy, where a mystery dwells in a Tower and a beast roams the forest beneath.





	1. for someone so young

When Felix was very little, he had a best friend named Dimitri. 

  
Dimitri was a little too _nice_, and kind of a pushover. But he also always saved the very last cookie for Felix, and he always let Felix be Kyphon even though they both knew swords were way cooler than stupid spears that Loog used. At night, he always let Felix crawl into bed with him so they could read together, even when their dads gave them a funny look and declared they were both way too old to share beds. Which was dumb, because Dimitri’s bed was definitely big enough for four kids anyway.

  
“I think we’re going to move. To the embassy.” Dimitri murmured one night, the two of them huddled beneath the blankets so they could read another book about the time Loog and Kyphon took down the flame dragon of the west.

  
Felix looked up, barely avoiding smacking Dimitri’s chin with his head. “Huh?”

  
“Father was talking with Rodrigue. I don’t think he knew I was there,” Sometimes it seemed like the adults _never_ saw them. Felix’s own dad spent most of his time talking to his big brother. “He said we’d be moving in in two weeks.”

  
“Does that…” Felix felt his voice waver. Dimitri was _always_ there. In school, after school, on the weekends when they’d both take fencing or watch Glenn with the horses. When Sylvain or Ingrid came by to visit, and all four of them would be doing _something_ that the adults fussed about. “Does that mean we won’t…”

  
“I don’t know.” Dimitri admitted, already reaching over to grip Felix’s hand before his friend could start crying. Felix cried a lot. “But… I think Glenn’s going so…”

  
“But Glenn _always_ goes.” When he was older, Felix’s dad had promised he could start going too. He just needed a little time, to get stronger and bigger. “What if I don’t get to see you again?”

Dimitri blinked, curious. “Hold on a second, okay?”

  
Before Felix could ask what was going on, the blonde had shuffled over him to the small table. He dug through, making way more noise than necessary before he sat up, holding onto something shiny.

Felix blinked, fascinated as the shiny thing caught the light. “Is that..?”

“It’s my medallion,” Dimitri said proudly as he held it out for Felix to inspect. “Father gave it to me, and Grandfather gave it to him.”  
Felix reached out, slowly taking the small piece of jewelry. Even in the dim light, it was _cool; _a white-gold crest with a blue lion right in the center. On the back were words in a language he couldn’t read, and a symbol of the Blaiddyd family. 

  
“Isn’t it amazing?” Dimitri whispered, secretive. “I wasn’t supposed to get it until my 16th birthday.”

  
“Yeah…” Felix knew Glenn had one too, that he kept hidden away and safe. “But Dimitri…”

“I’m giving it to you. For safekeeping.” He smiled, that shy awkward smile that was different from the polite one he gave to adults. “Because no matter how far away we get, I’ll have to come back and get it eventually, right?” Dimitri dropped the tiny piece of metal into his palm. It felt weirdly heavy, even though it was only as big as a coin. 

  
“But your dad will be _mad_…”

  
“No. Because you’re just holding onto it for me.’ Dimitri curled their fingers together, “Until I need it back.”

  
It was weird but well, it wasn’t like Loog didn’t trust Kyphon with the Aegis Shield, right? Felix felt tears prickling at his eyes and sniffed them back, He bowed his head, trying to look very adult as Dimitri fastened the necklace around his throat.

  
It felt heavy. Real.

  
“Promise you’ll always take care of it?” Dimitri asked, big blue eyes hopeful and earnest.

  
“Always.” 

* * *

Felix was eleven when his world ended.

He remembered, in a distant, half-asleep way, his maid holding her hand to her mouth in horror. He remembered standing next to his father as the news station aired images of burning smoke and people running, and a woman in a blue dress talking about _terrorism_ and _political assassination_ and his mind couldn’t seem to wrap around anything.

He remembered his father’s quiet prayer and he remembered screaming that Dimitri was supposed to be there, that was where Glenn was, _where were they_ and he remembered his old man leaning down, pulling him close, and all Felix could do was scream that it was a lie, that everything was a _lie_..

* * *

The memorial happened on a cold autumn day. Felix felt too wrong in the black suit and tie, not even bothering to look his father in the face. There was no point in this memorial; a whole bunch of people who didn’t know his big brother talking about how _brave_ he was and how _honorably_ he died, as though Felix should have been happy that he was gone. As though they even got to mourn a body, instead of an empty casket because the _real_ Glenn had been burned to smouldering ashes.

It was the first time he’d seen Dimitri. Since… then.

The blonde was quiet, placid expression belied by the way he was escorted by two men in black. He looked… wrong. Empty. A ghost meant to mock him further.

  
“I’m sorry, Felix.” He said, as dull and flat as a doll. As a _stranger_. “He died because I…”

  
“Why are you sorry?” Felix snapped, because couldn’t Dimitri see it? How _stupid_ all of this was? Wasn’t he sick to his stomach?! “Don’t… don’t say such things.”

  
Dimitri’s hollow blue eyes shifted into something _dark_, just for a moment. And then that unfamiliar, creepy glass-mask was back. “But it’s true…”

  
Felix’s stomach twisted as the world came crumbling down all over again. This wasn’t real. _None of _this was happening. He wasn’t… he couldn’t have lost his brother and his best friend.

  
“You’re not my Dimitri.”

He turned on his heel and stormed away.

  
It was the last time he saw the blonde.


	2. what am i gonna do

  
Garreg Mach Academy was _elite_. But considered an odd choice for a school, if only because of its location. It was tucked away in the mountains, far away from bustling city life that drew so many teenagers to the other choices. At one point, it had been a castle, rumored to be built by some mad witch to protect from some unseen terror. But that was ages ago, and from all the pictures he’d seen in the brochure, it had changed into something modern and comfortable.

Felix thumbed through his book on the place, more for something to do than because of interest. The train ride had quickly become dull and there were only so many different trees he could look at before the scenery would become boring too.

“Watch out!!” someone shouted, and Felix had just enough time to look up and react as a redheaded girl teetered forward, her various boxes crashing to their feet.

  
She flailed as he caught her, awkwardly balancing them both against the bench. She groaned and pulled back, turning just as red as her hair.

  
“Sorry. Someone put a luggage bag on the ground and I…” the girl pushed her bangs back and sighed. “Thanks. For the catch. Sorry.”

  
“We were _supposed_ to put our luggage under our seats.” Felix watched her and, in a fit of sympathy, started collecting the various pieces of makeup that had fallen out of her top box. At least he thought it was makeup. Felix didn’t really get such things.

  
“Oh, right. Thank you..” she knelt down, gathering her things as well. Her hand hovered over Felix’s book and then she looked up, suddenly excited. “You’re going to Garreg Mach too?!”

  
“I might have been thinking about it.” Great. A classmate. People trying to make friends. Just what Felix was hoping to avoid.

  
“I’ve heard their music program is amazing! Although you don’t strike me as a musician, maybe you’re going into sports? You look like…”

  
“I have my own reasons.” The girl was definitely a chatterbox. Harmless, at least. Or so he hoped. “Are you ever going to tell me your name?”

  
“I’m Annette!” She jabbed her hand out an inch in front of Felix’s nose. “Good to meet you…?”

  
“Felix.”

“Felix! Oh – hey! That’s such a nice necklace!” she leaned down, eyeing the metallic circle that had slid out from its hiding place. “Where did you get it?”

Felix’s blood ran cold. He frowned, slipping the medallion deep beneath his shirt. “None of your business.”

“Sorry, guess it was a little intrusive.” Annette instead focused on gathering all the remaining boxes together. “Anyway, I’m a little relieved. Mercie was supposed to meet me on the train but it didn’t work out. Do you… care if I sit here?” She glanced to the empty space to Felix’s right.

Whatever. “Do what you like.”

“Thank you.” Annette carefully packed her things beneath the seat and sat primly next to Felix. “I really am happy to not be the only student. It just felt so lonely, you know?”

Felix liked being alone. It was easier. He leaned back, trying to thumb back to the last page he’d read.

“You know… they say there’s a legend about the academy.” Annette whispered, wistful. “That if you can reach the top of the Goddess Tower, your dearest wish will come true. Have you heard that before?”

“No.” Felix lied. “I haven’t.”

* * *

The pictures didn’t do it justice.

Granted, it was also afternoon and the sun was hitting just right. But even Felix had to admire the white stones and black roofing that stood proudly against the dark green forest behind it. It really did look like a fairy tale castle made whole, even with the modern-day students roaming about it and the few cars that rolled up and away. Tall spires reached for the heavens, with elaborate stained glass windows that seemed to glow from the inside out.

In the distance he could see another white castle hidden by the trees, a little older and more frayed, with the tallest spire of all, something blue-silver glinting from the very top.

“Annie!”

Beside him, Annette perked up. “Mercie!” She dropped her things and dashed forward, right into the arms of a taller girl with cinnamon-brown hair. “You’re here!”

“I’m so sorry! I had to help my professor. It’s so good to see you!” She spun the tiny redhead around and then glanced to Felix. “Oh, did you help her out?”

Felix grunted.

“Oh, right.” Annette untangled herself “This is Felix. Felix, this is Mercedes. She’s my best friend.”

Best friend. _Right_. Felix gave a cursory nod, but the girl – Mercedes – had already confidently walked over to grip his hands.

“I’m very pleased to meet you. Thank you for helping Annie with her things.” She had soft hands, but Felix raised an eyebrow at the hard callouses right at the tips of her fingers. “I’m part of the music program. And you…”she glanced at his things, “Fencing, right?”

“Yeah.”

“How very interesting.” Mercedes gave another warm smile. “We haven’t had a new person on the fencing team in some time.”

Felix’s heart thumped unpleasantly. “Who was the last one?”

“You know, it’s funny.” She let go to press her finger to her lips, “I can’t seem to remember his name or his face. But I remember that he was very kind… and a little sad, I thought.”

The unease didn’t let up. “I have to get to Orientation.”

“Oh! Yes, of course.” The warm smile was back as she held out her hand for Annette to take. “Let’s get your things in the dorms. It’s very easy to get lost here during the first week or so. Just remember to always look for the Goddess Tower, and you should be all right. It’s the one with the silver bells.”

“Looks run down,” he muttered, gathering his things up.

“I like it.” Mercedes hummed, guiding them through the mass of students and adults dressed in plain black outfits. “There’s no way to get up there and really look at it though. But I think it’s very romantic.”

Felix huffed. He avoided looking at Annette, who was all but _skipping_. “I’m not here to be in a fairy tale. I’m here to fence.”

“You’re an interesting person, Felix.” She winked. “Let’s get you to the dorms.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like Annette, I, too, consider random floor stuff to be my most hated enemy.


	3. make the right impression

Orientation was crowded. Felix _hated_ crowds. Students, their faces blending into one big miasma. Too many voices grating on his sensitive hearing. When he was little, he’d cling to Glenn or Dimitri’s hands as they….

Felix curled his fist and breathed. Whatever. He wasn’t here to make friends or associate with anyone anyway.

The students all began to quiet down as adults in white began to assemble on the front platform. A man with green hair that he recognized as Headmaster Seteth. Two others beside him; a woman in a green dress and a camisole and a man with a monocle. (Who wore _monocles_?)

A tiny woman in a black shirt and a skirt, with shaggy green hair. Something about her took all of Felix’s attention.

“May I have your attention, everyone?” Seteth said, in a clear and commanding tone that somehow managed to carry all through the auditorium. “Ah, yes, thank you.” He cleared his throat, “Welcome everyone to another year at Garreg Mach. Know that each and every one of you has been chosen for a reason, and we expect the best from all of you. For those of you who are returning, welcome back and congratulations on another year of excellence. For the new students, know that I am happy to assist you whenever asked.” He bowed. 

The students clapped, and Felix flinched at the noise/

“Now, as always, to introduce our professors. In charge of the music program, Madame Casagranda.” The woman in green stood up, bowing with extra flair. “Hanneman von Essar will head the history and math programs, as always.” Felix wasn't surprised to see the man with the monocle stand up and nod, “In charge of philosophies and physical education is our youngest professor, Byleth Eisner.”

The green-haired woman stood up, her gaze drifting along the students. Felix felt suddenly very uneasy, and it took him a long moment to realize that the professor was staring his way.

No.

Directly _at _him. The noise completely disappeared, and Felix felt suddenly very….

Exposed.

He reached up, the medallion suddenly very heavy around his neck. He was imagining things. There was nothing special about him, nothing at all special about him being here…

Felix jerked as the students around him began clapping loudly again. There were more people onstage, and he felt mild irritation at the thought that he’d disappeared into his head during the presentation. At least he hadn’t missed anything _too_ important. 

He was here to fence. That was all.

* * *

He couldn’t sleep.

His dorm bed wasn’t uncomfortable – quite the opposite. The mattress was as hard as Felix usually liked, and the whole room smelled clean, with the fresh mountain air drifting inside from a small crack in his window. Even his room, as small as it was, didn’t feel cloying.

Whenever he felt restless, he’d wear himself out through practice drills. But that wasn’t exactly an option either – apparently having even blunt-tipped swords in the dormitories was considered a mortal sin.

So instead, Felix was stuck reading through an old novel that was as dull as dishwater. He’d already figured out the murderer, but the writer kept stupidly playing coy. It usually made him tired but….

Felix stopped.

Outside, a shadowy figure skittered through the carefully-tended garden towards the trees.

Curious.

The raven-haired teenager went to the door and poked his head out to observe the hallway. No adults were in view, and every other door was tightly shut.

So be it.

* * *

“You’re not very good at sneaking, are you?”

The shadowy figure jumped, turning to threateningly shake a beaten-up rolling pin.

“Seriously?” Felix raised one eyebrow.

Annette groaned, dropping her makeshift weapon. She tugged her jacket hood down to glower at Felix. “What are _you_ doing here?!”

“Catching a student breaking the rules.”

“Ugh, please.” She rolled her eyes and tugged her hood up again. “You’re out here too.”

“Call me curious. I’d rather you not eaten by a bear.”

“There are no bears here. They don’t live in this geographical area.” She stood up, trying to look confident. “Anyway, I’m going to the Tower.”

“What’s so important about this tower anyway?” Felix shoved his hands in his pajama pockets. 

“So you remember that necklace you have?” Annette murmured, dropping her voice down a few octaves.

“What about it?” Felix tried to hide the defensiveness in his voice.

“I have one too. Almost exactly like it.” She held up her wrist and Felix, for the first time, saw a bracelet that glinted in the bright moonlight. “Only mine has different writing on it.”

“So what?” It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t _mean_ anything.

“Don’t you think it’s weird? That some of the same lettering is in the glass windows?” Annette drifted through the trees, always towards the tall tower in the distance.

“I hadn’t noticed.” Felix lied. “That doesn’t mean you come out into the forest _alone_. Especially with fog rolling in.”

“I’ll be fine. My mother and I…” she huffed, “Never mind.”

The fog _was_ starting to come in thick. It was odd; the weather had specifically mentioned clear skies and warmer weather for the fall. 

“This isn’t safe.” He muttered sourly. “Something’s…”

He didn’t get to finish. The ground beneath his feet suddenly gave out, and Felix fell forward, rolling down a sharp incline. He heard Annette scream, but it was all the warning he got as he hit his head hard against a rotting log.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen it is never a good idea to wander out of a mysterious academy at night you have a willow whomp you or a castle fall on you or like, you get caught by a really mad gardener  
also y'all can't dissuade me that Felix doesn't low-key judge fashion choices of others


	4. waiting for the night to fall

“What would you wish for, if you could have anything?” Byleth asked, sitting across from him in an empty classroom. Her hands were folded in her lap, and Felix couldn’t help noting how very dark her nails were.

That was a foolish question. Wishes were pointless. You didn’t just _get_ to _wish_ yourself happy.

“But if you could…” she said, soft and eerie, and it occurred to Felix that he hadn’t said a word. “What would you want, Felix?”  
  
His professor had bright green eyes. They reminded Felix of a stray cat he and Glenn had adopted. Dimitri had adored the thing, but it was _Felix’s_ cat and any time his friend tried to cuddle with it he’d end up with fingers nipped. Not that it seemed to bother him much; Dimitri never complained about anything the way Glenn or Felix did.

He could remember that cat. Its deep black stripes against its grey fur. The little “M” on its forehead that Glenn had said meant “Monster.” 

He couldn’t remember Dimitri’s face at all.

* * *

Wherever he was at was cold and _wet_. Felix opened his eyes, dazedly staring up at dark black trees and a dotted sky of stars.

He heard thunder.

Not… thunder, although deep in his bones _felt_ a shaking.

Felix grimaced as he saw shadows approaching. Many of them, and with it the noise increased.

Horses.

Midnight black horses and shadowy-black figures that pounded past him, kicking up leaves and dirt as they raced through the forest, as though he didn’t exist at all. They disappeared into the fog again,

Why were there horses here?

“Well,” Felix froze as he heard a low, husky voice behind him. “An intruder.”

He turned to see a tall black horse, its eyes silver-white. There was a man on its back, covered in thick black and brown furs. His hair was wild and unkempt, looking more like a lion’s mane than anything. He had a cloth patch over his right eye, and the other one was a pale, ghostly blue.

Felix gripped his side of a branch. He narrowed his eyes, looking for any opening in case he needed to defend himself.

The man grinned; a wolfish thing that made Felix’s hackles raise. “You really expect a piece of wood to do anything to me?”

“I can stab your other eye out.” Felix warned. Like hell he’d ever back down from a fight. “Try me.”

“How vicious of you.” The man extended a black gloved hand.

Felix glanced at him, then at the extended fingers.

“If I intended to harm you, I would have by now.” The stranger said, calmly. “Your clothes are filthy.”

He was dreaming. There was no other explanation for it.

That meant he’d wake up, sooner or later.

He gripped the stranger’s hand and allowed himself to be pulled up, too close to the huge horse for his liking. The man reached up to his shoulders and withdrew a fur-lined cape to wrap around Felix’s body.

“This reeks.” Felix growled, but took it anyway. Anything was better than the disgusting feeling of wet earth and dead leaves.

“Then freeze, if it suits you.” The stranger’s eyes went to Felix’s neck and Felix had half a second to react.

It was too late. “That’s a unique necklace. Why do you have it?”

Felix seethed. “None of your business.”

“Then it matters to you?”

“Also none of your business.”

“Then what shall I address you as, intruder? Should that also be ‘None of Your Business?’”

“You can call me whatever you feel like.” Felix shoved his necklace back in place, hidden away from that too-sharp eye, “I don’t really care.” Sooner or later, he’d wake up.

“Then I’ll call you Angry.” The man mused. “It seems fitting.”

“If I get to call you Bastard.”

That earned another of those low, wolfish chuckles. “Very well, Angry. Get on.” He moved back in his saddle and held his hand out. “If you are not afraid, at least.”

“You’re kidding.”

“You can be stuck in this forest, if it's what you want.” The bastard tilted his head, just so. “But I have places to be.”

A dream. It was all a dream. Felix could… deal with it. He swatted the hand away and reached for the saddle, climbing up just as Glenn had taught him when he was little.

That seemed to impress the bastard, at least. He slid his arms past Felix to grab at the leather reins.

The horse thundered off, and Felix braced himself. For such a monster, it had a surprisingly gentle rhythm but the cold air whipping in his face was still unpleasant. The man behind him said nothing, darting through the trees on some unforeseen route that Felix could barely keep track of in the darkness.

In the distance, the Goddess Tower loomed, closer than ever before.

“Did you intend to go there, Angry?” the stranger murmured conversationally. “Very few have made it even this far.”

“I’m just waiting to wake up,” Felix bristled. He could see other shadows moving far away, but the bastard didn’t seem to care. “Where are we going?”

“Hunting.” The bastard’s voice dropped to a low growl, “A beast roams this forest.”

“Other than you?” As if he cared.

“A boar, the size of my own horse. It destroys everything it can. Even people, who wander too deep into these lands.” Felix narrowed his eyes. “Perhaps even the one that gave you that meda…”

“Shut up.” Felix warned icily. 

“Whoever kills it gets access to the Tower. And the prisoner kept inside.” 

“I don’t believe in fairy tales.” 

“You can believe as you wish.” The stranger slowed his horse, looking around. “Do you hear that?”

He didn’t hear anything. Not even the quiet click of crickets or the soft hoot of an owl.

The man reared his horse back as a huge, monstrous shape crashed through the trees. Felix caught a flash of tusks and a wild, inhuman howl as the thing ran forward, slamming into them both.

The horse buckled, and Felix was falling downwards, praying that he didn’t get crushed alive…

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Felix, what will you do if you dream of ghostly people hunting wild animals in the middle of the night?  
Felix Cut them into little pieces.
> 
> Also little Felix, bless his heart, genuinely thought the "Monster" thing was real and he was slightly worried that his kitten would grow up to be a werewolf. it did not.


	5. unwanted, uninvited kin

His alarm rattled on his small desk.

Groaning, Felix rose from bed. His muscles twinged unpleasantly, probably from tossing and turning. It took a monumental effort to stumble over and turn the alarm off before the buzzing sound drove him insane.

Outside, the sun was just starting to rise.

The swordsman huffed, yanking his hairbrush from its place in his dresser. The dream prickled at his mind, bits and pieces coming in and out of focus. Not a bad dream exactly, not like the ones where Glenn exploded in front of his eyes or a faceless, formless Dimitri disappeared any time Felix reached for him but...

Ugh.

How did twigs get in his hair?

He had thirty minutes to get breakfast and then forty-five minutes before class started.

It was enough time.

* * *

His classroom was small and surprisingly bare. The only decorations were the windows looking outside and the landscape paintings that dotted the walls. It looked good, the dark wood contrasting against the whiteboard in front.

  
Felix looked at his classmates with dulled interest, noting the one empty seat in the top middle. Apparently no one wished to be the Teacher's Pet.

Annette sat in front of him, anxiously toying with her bracelet. There was a grey-haired boy to her left, and another unfamiliar girl to her right. Nothing interesting.

Professor Eisner stepped in, carrying a stack of books and notes. She bowed, her eyes flicking to each student. “Good morning everyone.” Her cat-green fixed on Felix, and he looked away. “I trust you all slept well?”

* * *

Annette crowded him as he tried to leave the classroom.

“So you got back okay?”

“I don't know what you're talking about.” He had fencing practice to attend to. If he didn't make the initial team, there was no point in being at Garreg Mach in the first place.

“Did you hit your head?” She glanced around, waiting to see who was listening. “We went out. To try and get to the Tower. You fell and.... something, I don't know. I came back to get help but...” she waved her arm awkwardly. “Mercedes found you sleeping in your dorm.”

A dream. He'd dreamed it. He _had _to have dreamed it.

“Anyway,” Annette glanced down, touching her bracelet. “I'm going back again tonight. I figure if I prepare better…”

“Why are you so obsessed with going to an old building anyway? There’s nothing there.” Felix rubbed at his eyes. “The whole thing is pointless.”

“But I _have_ to. It’s… if it can help me,” Annette sucked in a sharp breath. “I’m going if you want to or not.”

“Get eaten by a bear, if you’re so set on it.” Felix pushed past her. There was only so much foolishness he could take.

* * *

The fencing coach was a tall man with cinnamon-brown hair and cold eyes. Felix instantly disliked him.

“Your form needs work,” the coach said calmly, “You’re aimless.”

Felix felt his fingers curl angrily around the hilt. He tugged his mask free to look t the man, trying to gauge what exactly he was thinking “I’m five for five.”

It hadn’t even been _difficult_. The other students were overconfident and thought it was fun to show off to the new recruits. Felix had no reservations about style. When he was little, showing off tricks for Dimitri or facing Glenn, trying to get even a hit in...

It wasn't worth it. You didn't get to be the best by turning your skill into a circus act.

Jeritza didn’t look impressed. “I’ll let you on the team, as a provisional.”

As if. “Fine.” Felix stormed to the bench where he'd left his gym bag. He could muscle through this. He always pushed through everything.

“Felix?”

  
Felix felt his muscles tense up despite himself. It couldn't be. No way.

Someone came from behind and Felix almost hissed as long arms embraced his neck. “Felix!”

No. Absolutely _not_. “Go away, Sylvain.”

Sylvain, damn him, had gotten _taller_ somehow. The redhead ignored Felix to squeeze him tighter, right in front of everyone. “But it's been what, months? Years?”

  
“Nineteen months.” Felix growled through gritted teeth. It wouldn't do to kick someone during his first day of fencing class. Stabbing someone would probably be even worse. “Get _off_,”

  
Sylvai sighed, dropping back so Felix could turn around to glower at him. “Nice to see you too. But really – I wasn't expecting you to make it here. You didn't mention it when..”

  
“Why are you here?” Felix cut through, because he could feel his braincells dying.

  
“I'm the captain?” Sylvain tapped a blue badge on his chest.

Oh _no_.

“It just happened last semester. The captain before me, he, uh..,” Sylvain brushed his hair back from his face as he glanced thoughtfully at the ceiling, “Anyway. It's great that you're here. We have a lot to catch up on. Do you still talk to...?”

  
“_No_.” His chest constricted, and Felix turned his attention back to the other students who were still trying to impress Jeritza with terrible moves. “ I'm not here to reminisce.”

  
“Okay, okay.” Sylvain smiled, “But seriously. We should catch up. Maybe later though.” He picked up a rapier and swung it theatrically. “Guess I have to go make sure Jeritza doesn't get _too_ terrifying to the newbies.”

Felix watched him, and felt a wave of mild unease.

Why _was _Sylvain here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually it's been nineteen months, three days, and roughly two hours. Sylvain was showing off a new motorcycle that he received and he let Felix go on a joy ride. Felix is just too tsun to bring that up because he is Done with friends and feelngs.


	6. tonight i think i walk alone, i'll find my soul

“I don't like sweet things,” Felix mumbled as he looked down at the spread of small cakes and cookies on the table between them. The tea smelled nice, but he preferred not to burn his tongue.

“The red cakes are cinnamon.” Byleth replied, taking small sips from her teacup. “Did you like the lesson?”

“It was fine.” Felix wasn't really the type to get engaged with classwork. He studied hard, but it was easier when he was alone with no distractions.

“Do you miss him?”

Felix's eyes narrowed. “I don't know what you're talking about.”

“No,” she looked down at the tea, thoughtful. Her voice dropped, barely loud enough for Felix to hear. “I guess you don't.”

* * *

Annette was ready, this time. She tugged her bag tighter against her shoulder as she did another long sweep, considering her options. There were security guards posted at the ends of the dormitory areas, but at least one o them seemed to think it perfectly acceptable to take naps once the dorms got quiet enough.

Right.

She could do this.

“You know, you should at least carry a flashlight.”

The redhead jumped, hastily reaching for her bag.

“Really?! Again?!”

Felix held his hands up, feigning innocence. “I told you. You shouldn't be doing this.”

“Then tell on me. You... Telly-teller,” Stupid classmate. Annette turned on her heel and tugged her hoodie up. “Or don't. But I told you, and I'm not giving up.”

“Does Mercedes know you're doing this?”

“Mercie would understand.” Annette was grateful she'd carried boots for this. The ground was already getting cool enough to crunch beneath her loud footsteps. “She... knows.”

“That you want to be bear food?”

“Felix... can I trust you?”

Felix raised an eyebrow as he followed behind her. That was a tall order, seeing as how they'd known each other for less than a week. “I'm here, aren't I? To make sure you don't get eaten?”

The redhead toyed with her bracelet again. Stared downwards, trying to gather her thoughts. “My dad left us. My mother and me. We tried to find him but...” she let out a puff of angry air, “I just... I wanted to know why.”

“That's....” Felix shuddered, trying to bite back the emotion welling up in his throat. He and his old man were always fighting, but.... “I'm sorry.”

“Everyone is.” She answered bitterly. “But Sorry's never brought him back.”

“Then he doesn't deserve to come back.” There it was again. The heavy mist, and Felix shoved his hands tighter into his jacket.

“This medallion is his. I thought that if I could reach the Tower, maybe I could find an answer. That's... pretty silly now that I say it, huh?”

“No.” Felix glanced up at the strange white stone, still gleaming bright against the darkness. Thought of a kind smile, turned glass-empty. “I... get it.”

“Well, may...” She yelped as Felix grabbed her, pushing her back behind him. “Felix?!”

Through the fog, two shadows began to approach.

“You've got a knife in there, right?” Felix warned.

“Well... a kitchen knife I stole from dinner... But there aren't really bears here, really...” Her fingers curled around Felix's arm as she glanced forward, going quiet.

“You're not real.” Felix growled out as the fog dissipated, revealing two horses and a man in thick furs.

The stranger looked down at them with his good eye. He smiled, baring teeth. “You came back.”

“Felix?”

“Ah... not alone this time,” The man turned his gaze to Annette, thoughtful. “Another person hoping to gain entry into the Tower then?”

“Maybe.” Annette glanced at him, then back at Felix. “Felix, do you know...?”

“He's a figment of my imagination. _Our_ imagination.” Felix growled. “Whatever you want...”

“I want nothing.” The stranger gestured to the horse beside him, smaller and pearl-white. “If you wish to enter the Tower, you must destroy the Beast guarding it. That is the only way.”

“That thing,” whatever it was, “could kill us.”

“It could.”

“Come on.” Felix gripped Annette's wrist, “We're leaving.”

Annette didn't budge.

Felix's blood ran cold as he looked at her, at the determination clear despite the darkness. “You can't be serious.”

“This is our imagination, right?” Annette's voice shook only slightly. “And I am _very_ good at imagining what I want.” She walked forward, towards the riderless horse. “So... let's do this.”

Felix cursed. This was stupid. _So stupid_. “You can't ride.”

“I'll figure it out. Besides, I think it likes me.” She touched the horse's muzzle and it huffed, soft and gentle.

“You will need a weapon.” The stranger held his gloved hand out. “Your medallion.”

“Just... be careful with it.” The redhead slipped it off her wrist and placed it in the stranger's large palm.

He leaned forward, pressing the cold metal against her chest. The metal glinted, twisting as it was enveloped in pale white light.

An axe, made of wood and bone, appeared in Annette’s empty hands. She jumped back, startled.

“It is yours,” the man – _Bastard _ \- murmured, blinking his one eye. “Are you ready?”

“…Yeah.” She looked to Felix, and then towards the tower. “Yeah, let’s do this.”

“And you?”

“I don’t trust you.” Felix grumbled, each and every part of his brain protesting. He didn’t have to do this. 

He still got on the horse’s back and helped Annette mount in front of him.

“So uh....” Annette stared, vexed. “I rode ponies once?”

“Just let me do that. And don’t trust that beast.” Felix looked straight ahead.

And they were off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annette knows there is nothing dangerous in the woods because she did a ton of research on animal life and dangerous things in the region and decided that owls and bats weren't scary enough to deter her. Mercedes is genuinely terrified of lizards though, so Annette decided not to bother her about going into the forest.
> 
> Also yes - I was -this- close to having Annette's axe come from her chest. This close! But Felix would have stabbed Mr. Bastard through the neck and the whole "made of bone" thing might be a little too much.


	7. this is why events unnerve me

The horse was steady enough; not at all like the gentle-tempered animals that he and Dimitri had learned on. Felix wasn’t entirely sure if he was even controlling it, or the horse was just following the black, hulking form in front of them.

“So uh, what does this beast look like?” Annette tried to say, her voice barely carrying.

“I wouldn’t know.” The stranger took a sharp right turn and Felix followed, determined not to think too hard about what was happening. “You know this is crazy, right?”

“I know. But if this is happening… then there _must_ be something there.” Annette yelped as the horse jumped over a particularly big log. “Thank you for being here, by the way. So you uh…”

“I have no idea.” Felix narrowed his eyes. There was that lack of sound again. Something…

He saw more shadows moving, heard a roar of excitement that sounded like cackling crows. No matter how hard he looked, their faces never came into focus.

The stranger took another sharp turn. Felix saw it too – a huge _thing_ corralling through the trees.

The beast – boar – was massive, with spears and arrows sticking out from its rough, matted hide. It had two blood-covered tusks, the left one broken and bent at an ugly angle. It charged through the trees, slamming into whatever was in front of it with impunity. More shadowy figures darted out and about, forcing it onto a path. It tore ahead, closer and closer to the gleaming white tower ahead.

Felix had never been hunting. He remembered his father mentioning foxhunts when he was young but Felix had found it horrifying. It was just an animal. 

This though…

The boar let out an inhuman shriek as it turned, blocked by the Tower and the host of riders. The stranger’s horse clipped it, and Felix grabbed Annette to steady her as his own mount reared.

A spear flew through the air, slamming into the monster’s hind leg. Then another one, and the stranger in furs rode forward, circling the beast as it struggled for balance.

“Kill it!” he snapped, looking to them. “Before it gets away!”

“Are you _insane_?!” Felix snapped. “That thing…”

“Get me closer!” Annette squeezed Felix’s hand reassuringly. “I’ve got this!”

This wasn’t real.

It _wasn’t_ real.

He rode forward, praying to whatever goddess was listening that he’d wake up. He’d wake up _soon_.

Annette raised her axe, aiming straight for the creature’s neck.

It looked at them with one glowing red eye and Felix’s heart hammered.

The whole forest went still as the axe flew into its target. Blood spurted outwards, black as the rest of the night.

The beast collapsed on its side with a low death rattle. 

Felix’s stomach churned. In front of him, Annette’s breathing went slower, slower, and he could see her whole body shaking.

He was going to be sick.

Above him, he heard a distant thrum of bells.

The stranger looked upwards, towards the gleaming white tower. He dismounted and walked forward, right past the bloodied animal on the forest floor. 

“Walk forward, and the door will open.” 

The redhead looked at Felix, who couldn’t tear his eyes away from the dead creature in front of them. “I…”

She slid off the horse and nodded. Annette stepped forward, determined, as the area round them started to grow brighter and brighter. Felix squinted, drawing back as though he was staring at the sun. Annette’s shape grew more and more formless, and Felix…

* * *

Felix bolted out of bed, barely falling to his knees as he threw up in the wastebasket on the floor. His heart hammered, stomach threatening to tear out of his skin. Sweaty palms clutched weakly at his knees, but he couldn’t seem to make his fingers work.

He flopped over onto the floor, shaking. Slowly, painfully, his surroundings started to make sense again.

He was in his dorm room.

Alone.


	8. we asked you what you'd seen

“I can't remember him.” Felix admitted, curling his fingers tight around the teacup.

“Why not?”

“I don't _know_.” He stared downwards, looked anywhere but at those unnatural eyes. “It's... like it's right there. At the tip of my tongue. But when I try to think about him... it's like those memories fade out again.”

“Perhaps he doesn't want to be remembered?” Byleth picked up a cookie oozing with chocolate chips. “You did say he wasn't really yours.”

“That's ridiculous. I never...” Felix clenched his fist, trying to bite back a surge of emotion. Absolutely not. “I just... he wasn't the way he was supposed to be.”  
  
“People change. All the time.” She set the cookie down, considering. “You said it yourself. You can't just _wish_ things the way you want them.”  
  
“I know that.” He set his tea down, no longer thirsty. “I learned that a long time ago.”  
  
“But you still came here. Because he did first.”

Felix crossed his arms and kept stubbornly not looking at her.

“He always gave me his jacket. Even if it was freezing outside, if I was cold, he'd wrap it around me. When we...” He stopped, blinking.

“When you what?”  
  
“It's not important.”

* * *

The girl's dormitory was on the opposite side from him. He raced through corridors, dodging shouting professors and half-awake students. He didn't know where to look, but...

A familiar spot of light-brown caught his eye and Felix pushed past another three students. “Mercedes!”  
  
She turned, swinging a huge black case around. Felix jumped back, wincing as it whacked his shin.

That was going to bruise.

“Oh. Felix? What's wrong?” Mercedes frowned. “You look very pale.”

“Annette. Where is she?” Felix willed his voice to stay steady. “Which dorm?”

“Annie? Oh... I was just going to get breakfast with her. You can follow me, if you'd like.”  
  
“She's not...”  
  
“This way.” This time, Felix dodged the huge case. “Sorry. I just came from music study.”

Felix grunted, swallowing down another round of nerves. He'd woken up in his room. It was probably a dream but...  
  
Mercedes stopped at one of the numbered doors. “Annie? Are you ready?”

The door opened.

Felix exhaled, slumping his shoulders.

“Sorry! Got a little tied up with my math homework.” Annette leaned in, accepting a quick hug from the taller girl. “Oh, uh, Felix? Hi?” She glanced around, awkwardly reaching for her barren wrist. “Um. You know boys aren't allowed here... right?”

* * *

“I'm fine, really.” Annette said for the thirty-seventh time. “I don't know why you're acting so weird.”

Felix tapped his fork against his plate. Breakfast was pancakes and bacon, and the sheer amount of syrup all over the place wasn't doing anything to increase his nonexistent appetite. “Where's your bracelet?”

“My.. oh,” she looked at her wrist with the tiniest of frowns. “Guess I dropped it last night when we were... um, looking. At the forest.”  
  
“Annie! Were you breaking rules again?” It was hard to tell whether Mercedes was pleased or offended.

“No! We didn't do anything, right Felix? We totally just... took a walk.”  
  
Felix dropped his fork. “I can't believe this.” Did she not remember? Had he all dreamed it again?

“You shouldn't go into that forest at night. There might be bears there.” Mercedes chided.

“Ugh... you two,” Annette did her best to glower. “I'm here, aren't I?”

This was tiring. “I'm leaving.” Felix stood up,. He grabbed his backpack to sling it over his shoulder. “You two...”  
  
“Wait! Felix...” Annette jumped up, or tried to. Her chair clattered, nearly taking her with it. “Felix!”

She untangled herself, wincing as she ran to catch up with the black-haired teenager. “Will you...”  
  
“II really don't like liars.” Felix kept walking towards the classroom.

“Something happened, I know it did.” She looked down, almost guilty. “But I don't remember what. But...”

Felix stopped.

“I got my answer. And... it's that it doesn't matter.” She touched her wrist, “For the first time in a long time, I _don't care_. You were right.”  
  
Felix's stomach twisted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mercedes plays the cello. And she is deadly with that case.


	9. who can't decide which book to read

"Today, we will talk about science and research. But this is not only applicable to science projects." Professor Eisner grabbed a huge piece of chalk, holding it tightly between her slender fingers. 

Everyone but Felix watched her, waiting for what other notes to take. 

"The truth is," Professor Eisner said as she wrote block-letter notes on the chalkboard, "Human beings are very curious, emotional creatures. It's in your nature to question everything we confront and not settle for simplicity. Why am I here? How does it work? What happened?" she turned, clasping her hands together. "Think of everything that has been accomplished. Medicine. Trains. French fries with chili on top." there was a pause as a few students chuckled quietly, "Because we did not settle with 'I don't know.' Do not ever stop until you find the answer you seek."

* * *

Garreg Mach's library took up a whole building. One room was partitioned off and only available to professors, but it wasn't like students normally wanted to go there anyway. The tomes there were old and worn, probably better off in a museum than a school tucked away from civilization.

He wasn't sure where to start looking.

Felix didn't even know what he was looking for.

He'd been too worked up during fencing practice, he could admit. He'd made mistakes, and that meant Jeritza had fixed him with an ignominious stare and Sylvain had been _nosy_.

He'd still won. 

But he'd left early, and there was still too much energy under his skin. Far too much energy to expend in a library. Felix shifted through the aisles, looking for something. Anything. Somewhere in here, there had to be a history of the academy, right? One that wasn't designed around getting more kids to attend?

“Excuse me.” a feminine, demanding voice said to his left.

Felix turned, barely avoiding running into a small girl with snow-white hair. She narrowed her big red eyes, almost as if expecting Felix to bow down and apologize for existing.

“What?”

“You're blocking my path.”

“Sorry.” He looked down at the huge, alarmingly thick book in he hands.

“What?”

“Isn't that a bit heavy?”

She shrugged. “No more than usual.”

“Where do you want it?” It wasn't that he _cared_, exactly, but she really was tiny. Even smaller than Annette.

Dimitri had always carried things for others. Hadn't he?

“Over there. On that table.” She nodded behind him, to a small desk in front of a row of glass windows.

Felix grimaced as he took the giant book. It wasn't the heaviest, but still...

It made a loud, unpleasant _thunk_ as Felix dropped onto the wooden desk.

“Did you seriously pull a giant book on nothing but _cakes_?”

The girl looked positively offended. “Why shouldn't I? Do you ever consider the subtlety of cakes around the world? The individual variations and the way different cultures design their sweets?” She was positively _swooning_. “Surely you can....”

“I don't like sweets.”

Felix may as well have said he believed in the tooth fairy, judging from the look he was getting. “You're insane!”

Felix was starting to believe he was.

“Right.. well...”

“No!” She grabbed his hand before he could protest. “I cannot possibly allow someone to go so... so _uneducated. _What's your name?”

It really was a terrible idea, going to the library. “Felix. And I have books to find.”

“Whatever books you're looking for can't possibly...”

“I've been... having bad dreams.” The explanation felt hollow. “About the forest around here.”

The girl tilted her head. “Bad dreams?”

“Like... horses and riders. At night. Killing wild animals.” The unease crept in again, the memory of that creature's bloodied death...

She hummed thoughtfully. “Stay here Felix. Or don't. I'll be back.”

It wasn't like he had anywhere else to be. Sylvain kept pressing him to catch up, but Felix didn't want to talk about anything. Not really.

The girl returned with an equally big book that she unceremoniously dumped down on the table. “I used to have someone else carry these for me, now that I think about it.” she murmured, settling in to an old wooden chair. Felix watched, curious, as she flipped through page after page with barely a sound.

Pictures of knights and dragons flashed through, and he had a brief flicker of memory of late nights under the covers, a flashlight shared between tiny hands.“What did the riders look like?” she asked, snapping Felix back to attention.

“Like ghosts.”

“Like this?” She pointed to a large sketch of black horses and riders covered in ragged furs.

“Close.” Felix could still hear the strange, animalistic cackles in the back of his brain.

“Interesting. A Wild Hunt then. ‘Members of the underworld or fairy kingdom, depending on the legend, that roam forests at night and hunt wild animals. Human beings that get caught up in their hunts are forever trapped in their ghoulish host, never to return.’ Sounds fascinating.”

Felix’s blood ran cold. He crossed his arms, glancing towards the window. It couldn’t really happen, right? Getting trapped in some fairy tale. It was absurd.

But Annette was right. _Something_ happened.

Was Dimitri one of those riders, covered in black rags and barely more than a shadow?

Was it going to happen to him as well?

“What about the academy. Are there legends about this place?”

“Probably. Claude would know better than I would. He likes to play detective.” The girl turned another page. “My name is Lysithea, by the way.”

“Thanks.” Felix fumbled, unsure of what else to say. The girl just stared at him as if he was something new and curious. “What?”

“I’m not going to let you go just like _that_. I am obligated to teach you the value of cakes, you know.”

“Thanks but… no thanks. I might buy you some later though. For… finding that.” Felix brushed his hand through his hair. “Who is Claude?”

“Oh. You know.” She waved her hand. “Claude. He’s very… Claude. Rather rude, but mostly harmless. Just look for the student with the yellow scarf. I think he is out for the week though. He missed class again.”

That was incredibly unhelpful.

“I have nothing going on this Sunday afternoon. I’ll meet you in the cafeteria. You look like someone who would like orange meringue,” she mused. “Or coffee cake.”

“You really aren't going to give up, are you?” Felix grabbed the book from the table. The picture was still there, and he still felt mildly uneasy. “Just... don't guilt trip me when I tell you I don't like it.”

Lysithea crossed her arms. “We'll see, Felix.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Byleth is all about the weird food. Bacon-chocolate smoothies? Sounds fascinating! Fried alligator? Why not?


	10. come with me into the trees

“Your work on the essay I gave you was quite impressive.”

“Don't flatter me.” Felix crossed his arms. “I made a ton of mistakes.”

“But you recognized that you did.” There were small slices of bread and cheese on the three-tiered tray this time, apparently Byleth had finally decided to give up on the sweets. “Many students can't see their own errors.”

“And what, that 'everyone makes mistakes' pep talk? Please. It's so... demeaning.”

“I believe... that is why it's so important for people to not be alone. One person may make many mistakes, may not be strong enough, but when there are many of you, you become strong and capable.”

“Did you come up with that line?”

“No.” Byleth took a sip of her tea, “He did. But... he has difficulty. Following his own advice.”

* * *

It had taken days to slip out, days of watching for professors and students and classwork. Felix still felt unsteady, too bothered by memories of that creature's dying groans. Annette, as well, had been a concern – she hadn't gotten her bracelet back, or even seemed at all worried about it.

Felix should have been relieved. She seemed happy enough, and even Mercedes had noted a weight off her friend's shoulders.

But it couldn't be that simple. You didn't _get_ simple.

* * *

This time, he could tell the change. The way the temperature dropped. The way the air shifted to pine and earthy rot.

The moon was still huge and round.

The bastard wasn't there.

Felix waited.

And waited.

And nothing.

“Fine,” he said to the empty air, “I'll go for the Tower.”

He hunkered down tighter into his coat and stepped forward. The only sounds were the quiet thud of his boots against the crunching leaves and the clicks and trills of creatures in the trees around him. His flashlight caught the green-eyed gleam of the occasional wild animal, but they disappeared just as quickly.

He saw something -_someone_ – moving unsteadily.

Felix turned off his light and approached with as much stealth as he could. It could be _him_, or perhaps a professor, or...

“I know you're there,” a familiar, guttural voice warned.

“Kind of you to not show up.” Felix snapped back as he swung his flashlight to reveal the one-eyed man. He was on foot, his horse trailing a few feet behind him.

Something was wrong.

“There is no reason for you to be here.” the man hissed, limping heavily. “So leave.”

“I have questions.” On impulse, Felix went to the man, forcibly crushing back the apprehension. So far, the stranger had indeed not gutted him.

Not that there weren't worse thing that could happen.

“I do not have answers for you.” The man lurched along, pointedly not looking at Felix. “Leave. Or don't. It is not my problem.”

“Were there others? That came in here?” Felix frowned. The furs were still dark and muddy but...

Another grunt. “There are always others.”

“What about one named Dimitri?”

“Names mean nothing to me.”

“He'd have been my age. Tall... with..” Goddess _damn it_. “Dimitri's...” Kind. Clumsy. Warm. Felix clung to those thoughts like a lifeline, trying to pull up something, _anything_ else that he could.

The man let out a low hiss, slumping forward. On impulse, Felix rushed forward, catching the stranger as his legs gave out.

Something hot and sticky covered his fingers.

“Are you bleeding?!”

“There is a lake not far from here. I will live.” The stranger rose unsteadily to his feet and kept going.

“You damned...” He could die, for all Felix cared. Just... after. After he had the answers he needed.

He walked behind, glaring the whole way.

There was a lake, which didn't even make sense because none of the maps of the area had mentioned it. The man knelt down, fumbling weakly with the clasps on his furs.

“Let me do it. I'm sick of watching you.”

“Do what you like.” The stranger swayed, not resisting as Felix somehow managed to strip his torso bare.

The wounds were _ugly_. A deep gouge in his abdomen, and another gash on his collarbone. Felix'x hand trembled as his fingers hovered a particularly nasty, jagged wound on his forearm.

“How?”

“The beast,” the stranger hissed. He moved past Felix, dropping the edge of one of his furs into the water. “It roams again.”

“You _killed_ it.”

The stranger's teeth curled in a ghastly mockery of a smile. “It always returns. It cannot help but come back to destroy everything around it.”

If it could do this to a person... despite himself, Felix shuddered. “Then why kill it at all? Why not...” What? Put it in a zoo? Tie it to a tree?

“That is the way things are.” Slowly, gingerly, the man cleaned the blood off his skin. He was covered n all sorts of mottled scars, and Felix couldn't help staring at them. Undead didn't bleed or scar, right? Ghosts wouldn't either so...

“How long have you been here? Doing this?”

“Unimportant.” He grimaced as he cleaned around his arm, and Felix could swear he could see muscles flexing. It was a wonder the black-haired teenager had been able to keep his stomach under control. “Until they are freed from the Tower... I will put that beast down. As many times as it takes.”

“Who's up there?” Was that..

_You get what you want_.

“Those in pain. Asleep. Dreaming dark dreams.” The man curled forward, breathing heavy. Blood still oozed out along the edges of his injuries, and Felix wished he'd thought of bringing a first aid kit. Something. Not even an unhelpful bastard deserved to be hurting like that.

“Is that where I can find him? Is Dimitri there?”

The man turned, fixing Felix with his one-eyed, unnerving gaze. “You would risk your life for this boy?”

Once. Maybe. Before....

“I'll...”

The man's head jerked upwards, eye tracking past Felix. Behind them, birds flew up from their perch, aroused and angry.

Felix turned, shocked to see light dancing along the trees.

“I hope you know...” Seteth crossed his arms, glaring as he directed his large flashlight at Felix, “That you have broken quite a few rules here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Byleth is the Ashen Demon of multi-page essays.


	11. someone who cares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will mention that there is a very brief mention of familial abuse coming up in this one.

The Headmaster's office was far more homely than Felix was expecting. Old books littered the shelving along the walls, along with photos of Seteth and a shorter girl holding up freshly caught fish. He looked ridiculous in all of them, his fishing hat awkwardly resting on his head while the girl beamed and held up catches taller than her. In a few there was another woman, tall and regal, wearing a fur-lined coat.

She looked sad.

“Going out alone that deep into the forest,” Seteth cupped his chin in his hand, “This alone could result in expulsion. Had I not been there, for all we know, you would have been eaten by a bear and never seen again.”

“There are no bears there.” Felix countered, crossing his arms. The second he'd turned his head to look at the green-haired man, whatever... magic, was holding the place together seemed to dissipate.

The wild man was _gone_, and Felix was without answers.

Again.

“There are worse things than bears that prowl in that forest.” Seteth sighed. “You were recommended personally by a fellow student. I trusted his judgment at the time, but...”

“Who?” Sylvain was (_supposed_ to be) bound for another school,and Ingrid was in an exchange program for the next six months There was only one person...

Seteth stopped short.

“Which student?” Felix repeated, keeping his voice as cool as he could. Dimitri... after _everything..._

The green-haired man pinched his lips together, brow furrowing. “That is confidential information. We don't wish to show any bias, and Garreg Mach prides itself on impartiality when it comes to admissions. Regardless,” Seteth walked over and flopped down in a large, brown-leather chair, “That is not the topic of our... meeting.”

“Did you see him? At the lake?”

“I do wish you would stop attempting to change the subject.” Seteth sighed, clasping and unclasping your hands. “This is your first infraction... but we have these rules for good reason. If any of my students were harmed...” To his credit, he looked genuinely upset.

There was a quiet knock at the door.

“Come in.” Seteth turned his head, “Ah, Professor Eisner. And... Gautier, isn't it?”

“Hi Boss. Professor here said you needed to see me?” Sylvain strutted in, standing directly behind Felix.

“I do not remember saying such.” The headmaster looked at Byleth quizzically. “Your opinion, Professor?”

“He wasn't going to the Tower to make trouble.” Byleth flicked her green eyes to Sylvain. “But he does need guidance. Sylvain has agreed to be responsible for keeping him out of trouble.”

Felix growled low. “No way...”

“Then you'd prefer to be expelled?”

He reached up, pressing his fingers against his chest. Felt the solid metal against his skin.

“..No.”

“Very well. Gautier will keep him out of trouble. If he,” Seteth stared pointedly at the taller teenager, “also engages in your chicanery, you will both be on the hook. Along with that, your after-class activities will be restricted. Fencing and library research _only_. Weekends, you will be restricted to your room or the gardens. Is that clear?”

Inside, he was seething. Felix bowed his head, looking away to the window. “Fine.” The thought slid in again, as tenuous as a breath of air, “But was it Dimitri? That got me in?”

“I expect Blaiddyd is fully capable of answering his own questions if you ask him. You are excused.”

“Come on, Felix.” Sylvain tapped the other teenager's shoulder. “Time for me to drag you to breakfast.”

They passed by Byleth. She gave Felix a soft, barely-there smile.

Felix hated it.

* * *

“Dimitri... you know, it was funny. I couldn't really seem to remember his name. But you two were...” Sylvain did something complicated with his fingers. “Like this.”

“Shut up,” Felix growled, gripping tighter to his fork.

“I could swear he joined the Academy last year.” The redhead frowned, “Wonder what happened.”

“I don't know.” _You knew him too. You knew __**us**_. Goddess, why was this so... complicated?

Why did he feel like he was going insane?

“You'll like it here. It's a little stuffy and the rules are stupid, but...” Sylvain gave a genuine smile that made Felix more irritable, “Believe it or not, it is cool to see you again. After Glenn and everything...”

“Why are you _here_?” Felix grumbled. It was getting boring stabbing at his eggs and toast.

The smile flickered and Felix caught the very instant it went disgustingly fake. “Things... got a little bad with my brother.”

Felix remembered Miklan only vaguely. He never came when Sylvain visited. But Felix remembered, the few times Sylvain had revealed dark bruises on his arms and then laughed it off as horseplay.

Glenn never left marks when they wrestled.

“Sylvain....”

“I mean, don't get me wrong. The girls here are _nice_. And the way they look in those uniforms..”

Ugh. “You know I can't stand you.”

“Too late. You're stuck with me now. I'm just surprised Seteth let you fence still. Gonna warn you now that Jeritza's going to be _evil_. There's nothing he hates more than someone who brings a bad name to his team.”

“Can't be too terrifying, if he let you be the captain.” The toast was awful. Too burnt.

“It wasn't really like I _wanted _to. The last one...” Sylvain stopped, tilting his head just so. He tapped his index finger against the table. “He was good. Really good. But one day.. someone insulted his dad, I think. And he... it didn't go over very well. I got a nice black eye trying to separate them before he snapped out of it.”

Felix didn't want to. He really didn't want to.

“What was his name?” _Please don't say it. Please don't say it._

“I can't remember.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flayn had a fantastic day marlin fishing.  
Seteth had more than a few freakouts that she did not have enough sunscreen.


	12. precious and fragile things

“After… he kept sending me letters. Tried to call every month.”

“It sounds like he cared. “

“It was _miserable,_” Felix scoffed. “Always ‘I’m doing well.’ Or ‘I think of Glenn a lot.’ ‘He was so brave.’ Or worse, ‘Father would have wanted me to do this.’ Who _says_ that?” Felix shuddered. “It was like it wasn’t even him.” He crossed his arms and looked down. The tea was dark orange today and smelled like earth and cloves.

“It was a terrible tragedy. That you both lived through.”

“I _know_ that.” Why did everyone always say that? “I just… they were _dead_. Why would Glenn care if someone missed him? They're all _dead_.”

Byleth tilted her head, and Felix knew she was trying to be sympathetic. It only made things worse.

“And if Dimitri was dead?”

“He already is.” Just an empty, hollow shell with the core burned away by flames.

“Then why did you come here looking for him?”

Felix rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “Why are we even talking?” 

“My mother.” Byleth poured herself more steaming tea. She held it to her lips, sipping silently. “Witnessed my grandmother being murdered. Her very heart was ripped out and my mother could do nothing.”

“I’m sorry.” Felix breathed.

“She locked herself away. Where we could not help her. We could not reach her.” She set the cup down, thoughtful. “A prisoner of her own pain.”

“What did you do?”

“I'm still trying. I will... always try.”

* * *

“_What_?” Felix growled for what felt like the twentieth time.

Mercedes giggled politely. “Annie… do you remember that cat I used to have?”

“The really fat one with the red stripes? Or… oh! Yes!” She snorted, covering her mouth awkwardly. “You’re _so_ right!”

It wasn’t enough that he was stuck listening to their… weirdness. Now they were talking in secret code. He poked at a random tomato on his plate and tried to forcefully block their cheer out.

“So, back in the day, Mercie had this cat. Completely black, with a little white spot on his cute kitty belly.” Annette grinned, clearly enjoying herself. “Jet Black Fuzzypaws. Anyway, he mostly lived outside but Mercie would bring him in on rainy days. And he’d spend the whole day,” she held her hands up, curling her fingers into makeshift claws, “_Hsssss_! He’d growl and claw and knock over everything!”

That was _ridiculous_. “I’m done here.”

“Oh, don’t go.” Mercedes looked up with her huge, warm eyes. “It’s not a _bad_ thing. But we can tell you’re frustrated.”

Frustrated was an understatement. Life had been nothing but Sylvain, class, fencing, and awkward lunches surrounded by too many students in a small cafeteria. He hadn’t gone back in, and for all he knew that bastard was dead from bleeding out and stupidity. And he hadn’t found Claude either. And even with Lysithea’s assistance (Felix-paid-for cakes included), he’d been helpless in finding anything about his medallion in relation to the academy.

He was stuck.

And everyday, it felt like he was getting farther and farther away. Disconnected.

“At least finish your lunch. You have a fencing showcase soon and I know Jeritza is very rough.” Mercedes soothed.

Also an understatement. Felix was fairly certain the man was a demon that only existed to make others suffer.

“I heard you talking about our Hellcoach?” Sylvain leaned over Felix's shoulder to wink. “Hello ladies.”

Felix considered stabbing him.

“Hi Sylvain.” Mercedes greeted. Beside her, Annette groaned. “How are you feeling today?”

“Much better, now that I've seen your beautiful...” Sylvain stopped, and Felix felt his fingers tighten against his skin. “Um. Thanks. For...you know. I... it's fine, Mercedes.”

Mercedes nodded. “Any time.”

What was it with people talking _around_ him?

“Anyway.” Sylvain's hand dropped to his pocket and he pulled out a small pocketwatch. “I'm supposed to have a meetup in roughly half an hour. You ready, Felix?”

The watch had an all-too familiar design on the back.

“W...hey!” Sylvain jumped as Felix's hands darted out, grabbing the object before he could protest. “If you wanted to see it, you could have asked.”

“Quiet,” Felix ordered, but he knew his hands were shaking just slightly. It had different symbols, but the image was the same.

“Oh. You have one too?” Annette leaned forward. “How neat.”

“Yeah. It was Miklan's but...” Sylvain coughed. “Anyway. You had one too?”

“Once. It doesn't matter now.” She shrugged. “Felix does too.”

“I don't It's Dimitri's.”

The three stared blankly at him.

“Here.” Felix sighed, shoving the watch back into Sylvains hand. “I'm leaving.”

* * *

“Watch your left.” Jeritza warned.

The bout started. Normally, Felix would just _shift;_ the only thing in his mind the way his body moved, the opponent in front of him. The sound of breath and clashing steel.

His opponent this time was good though. Cautious.

It was pissing Felix off a little.

He kept pushing, and the stranger kept parrying. Not even bothering to strike back, and yet somehow, Felix wasn't gaining any ground.

Still stuck

Felix seethed, going in for another hard thrust. Class. Fencing. Listening to people _chatter_ around him. That wobbly-shaped hole that no matter how he tried to fill, it wasn't _there_. And no one else seemed even _bothered_. Those too-bright green eyes, that dulled, ghostly single eye staring, alone...

He jerked as he felt impact against his shoulder.

“I told you. Watch your left.” Jeritza's eyes narrowed. “You're out this round.”

Felix tore his mask off and tossed it against a wall. In the back of his throat a scream was building, but it wouldn't come. Felix had more control than that. How the teenagermade it to the locker room was nothing short of a miracle.

“Wow. It's been a while since I've seen you lose.” Sylvain said conversationally.

“_Shut up, _Sylvain.” Felix all but snarled. He practically tore his uniform off, and the fresh air on his bare arms did nothing to make him feel better.

Sylvain leaned against the lockers, considering. “You know, you _can_ talk to me.”

“There's nothing to talk about.” Sylvain didn't remember him. Sylvain didn't even _care_.

“Annette said something happened. In the forest. Is that what has you so wound up?”

“She doesn't even remember.” Goddess, he just wanted to be left alone. Why was that so hard?! “Why do you _always_ bother me?” He didn't need Sylvain hovering over him like some overprotective labrador.

“You know, it's _not_ the end of the world to have people worry about you, Help _you_, for a change. You remember when we were little and...”

“_You don't remember_!” Felix snapped.

All the air disappeared from the room.

_Shit_.

“All right.” Sylain held his hands up, backing away. “You win. Get kicked out, for all I care. Enjoy yourself, Your Loneliness.”

“That's...”

Sylvain was already gone.

Felix dropped to the ground, breath coming out in harsh pants. Tears prickled on the edge of his eyes, and for once, he wasn't sure he could stop them.

He was losing his mind.

He had to be losing his mind.

“Go away” he grumbled, not even looking up as another student walked towards him. His opponent from the last match, no less.

“Lysithea was right. You act cool, but you're kind of a mess.” the other said, hand on his hip. “Kind of surprised you were so easy to get wound up though.”

The fencer pulled his mask off, revealing a dark-skinned teenager with mussed hair. He smiled, and somehow,Felix felt like he was being seen right through.

“The name's Claude, by the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Felix does sabre fencing because he has no real chill. Dimitri favors the epee. Sylvain does sabre too, but less because he's amazing at it and more that he's got a lotta reach. He the captain mostly because he's the only one that can mediate.
> 
> 2) "Claude, there's this rude kid named Felix that wants to meet with you."  
"Oh, that's interesting. I'll go scope him out. See what he's like."  
"Or you could just introduce yourself properly."  
"Lysithea, you know that's no fun. I'll go undercover."  
"Or you could just say, 'Hello. I am Claude. Lysithea said you had a mystery.'"


	13. god send the only true friend I call mine

  
  


“So there's a one-eyed man in the forest, along with ghost riders and a giant monster-pig. And somehow, it connects to the Goddess Tower.” Claude leaned on his hand, looking straight at Felix. “How very intriguing.”

“I'm imagining this, in other words.”

“No, I never said that.” Claude toyed with the edge of his yellow scarf. “So what happened? With that bracelet your friend had?”

Somehow, Claude had convinced him to go out to the gardens. As much as Felix hated it, he felt clearer, surrounded by fresh air and a cold autumn sky. Most of the greenery was still in bloom, and he could distantly see a huge teenager with white hair tending to dark blue flowers.

“It... made a weapon. An axe.” He rubbed at his forehead, trying to remember the details. “Made of bone.”

“I'd like to see this myself.” Claude glanced thoughtfully in the direction of the Tower. “I've been... curious about the legends of this place. Any place that was supposedly made by a witch, well, there's got to be something interesting, right?”

“Magic isn't real.” Just because he'd seen something _weird_... didn't mean...

It just wasn't real.

“You just told me that you saw magic weapons and ghosts. Call me curious.” Claude leaned back and stretched. “But... can't do anything without a backup plan, right? I figure I can find something in the library archives, sooner or later. Just let me know if you plan on going hiking, and I can work something out.”

Felix already felt like he'd spilled everything he had. And strangely, he felt _tired_.

“Why are you so interested anyway?”

Claude smiled. “Let's just say that's my secret for now, all right? Besides.. maybe I'm prying too much, but don't you have an apology to give?”

Even thinking about it knotted his stomach up. “....Yeah.”

* * *

Felix heard shouting coming from Sylvain's room. It was too muffled to make out the words, but it sounded unpleasant. Probably another girl having it out with him, or a professor dressing him down.

But when Sylain opened the door, he was alone. Flushed, his hair unkempt, and his face still twisted into an unpleasant grimace.

“Wh... oh,” Sylvain deflated, “Did you forget something from practice?”

“I..” Felix fidgeted with his sleeve. Breathed. “Sorry.” Breathed some more. His throat kept tightening, for some unpleasant reason. “You didn't deserve that.”

The redhead ran hand through his mussed hair. “Felix...” He opened the door wider. “Come on in.”

For someone that was such a lout, Sylvai's room was surprisingly cleaned. Cluttered, but there was a sort of Sylvain-logic to it all. Felix had always been a minimalist, and Dimitri...

A brief memory of handmade blankets, little sewing projects that were always half-finished. Books everywhere.

Felix collapsed on the end of the bed, feeling all at once very worn. Like a spring that had been too tightly wound and wasn't entirely sure how to untangle itself.

“I get it. I do. You want to play at cool and indifferent all the time because... I don't know,” Sylvain awkwardly leaned back in his desk chair. His limbs were too long for it, and he always ended up sooner or later stretching out on the floor instead. “But you _aren't_ alone. And maybe... we can help you out. With your little crises.”

“I don't...”

“'I don't need it.' Yeah, heard that before. You're awfully prickly, Felix, and sometimes I just wonder what happened to that cute little kid that cried when he thought that the Easter Bunny got eaten by the cat.”

Glenn. His old man acting like death was the best thing to ever happen to his son. Always wondering if it would have been better, if Felix had been in that burning building.

Dimitri...his eyes losing all their shine, replaced by blue glass and emptiness.

And then not being there at all.

“I'm not asking to be your guidance counselor. But... you don't have to push me away, all right?”

“You'd be a terrible counselor.”

“Yeah, and you're not supposed to date your clients. I'm way better at being a lousy guy, you know?”

Felix snorted, but didn't hold any of its normal irritation. "You're lousy at lousy too."

“Anyway. That... forest thing. I think we should go. Figure whatever it is... out. Somehow.” As expected, Sylvain shrugged himself out of his chair and stretched out against his window. He stretched his arms and rested them behind his head.

He couldn't ask that. Not of Annette, not of Sylvain, not of anyone. “It's dangerous.”

“All the more reason I need to keep an eye on you. And... I might have a reason or two.” Sylvain smirked, and Felix saw right through it. “Maybe I can wish for a perfect girlfriend.”

“Absolutely not.” If anything happened... Felix shuddered. “No.”

“Felix,” Sylvain looked his way,”I'm going We just have to keep the Headmaster busy, is all. Or... maybe just locked up in his office for a few hours.”

“You really are an idiot.” He didn't want to drag anyone else into this. Whatever it was.

But... he owed it to Sylvain. To trust him.

To be better.

* * *

“Tonight?? It makes sense. There's going to be a full moon, and there's that whole musical performance thing keeping most of the students and professors busy...” Claude looked upwards, considering. “Yeah. I think I can pull something off.”

Felix had never been one for conspiracy. Or teamwork. It felt _weird_, asking Claude for a favor. The teenager had been nothing but friendly, but Felix couldn't read him at all.

“You just have to give me a rundown. After. Or, you could take photos but...”

“I really doubt that would ever work.” Felix let out a deep breath. “But... tonight.”

“Tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sylvain wanted to give him a hug  
It would have been too much Emotion for one day and Felix might have gone full repression mode.


	14. join our world and play our game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blood! And gross stuff!

“So is there... mystical jingles? Creepy fog and wolves howling?”

“I don't know.” They'd both packed a small bag, with flashlights and first aid kits. “It just... get really cold. And misty.”

“But we aren't going t be walking into any bear caves... or anything.”

“Bother Annette with that.” The Goddess Tower loomed in the distance.

“Right. All right.” Sylvain pulled his light out from the pocket of his hood. “Think we're far enough away to turn the light on?”

If they miscalculated, he wouldn't get another chance to try again.

So that bastard was going to give him answers. One way or another.

Felix felt the fog roll in. He frowned, and Sylvain stopped walking in response.

The huge black horse drifted in, that same one-eyed man on top of it.

He looked, if possible, even more feral. He'd added more furs, his skin even paler than the last time.

Behind him were two horses, both mottled grey.

“You keep returning.” The stranger tilted his head, eye fixed on Felix. “Why do you come here?”

“I told you. I'm going to find Dimitri.” Felix challenged. “Tell me where he is.”

“Holy shit.” Sylvain breathed. “This is really happening?”

“You said yourself that he was gone. That is no longer my concern.” The man switched his gaze to Sylvain. “What of you?”

“Right. So..” Sylvain glanced awkwardly to Felix and then back to the stranger. “Let's do this whole... thing.”

_You know. You have to know. _'Sylvain...”  
  
“I know. Be careful. I know.” He winked, “You're here to keep me out of trouble, right?”

The man held his hand out. “Your medallion.”

Sylvain hesitated. He slid his hand into his back packet and gently pulled out his watch. “I wasn't that attached to it anyway.”

Just like before, the man pressed the metal to Sylvain's chest. Felix watched light stream out, almost like wisps of some translucent material.

A spear began to form in Sylvain's hand. A thick, solid piece of wood with bones sticking out from odd angles at the very tip.

It looked wicked.

And wrong.

Sylvain fumbled with the weapon. “That's...oh.”

“You must slaughter the beast to gain entry into the Tower.” The man nodded to the horses. “Only then will the door open.”

“Do you know how to ride?” He hadn't ever seen Sylain on horseback,but Felix was _not_ going to be pleased if the redhead required someone to handle his horse.

“A little bit.” Sylvain lifted himself up on the taller of the two. He gripped the reins, awkwardly tucking the spear beneath his arm. “Hey, you think I look cool?”

“No.” Felix mounted his own horse. “Don't... do anything stupid.” If they could get into the Tower, maybe. If he could get a look at the riders...

“It's coming.” The stranger smiled darkly. “The hunt starts.”

* * *

The shadows were closer this time. Daring in and out, so daring that Felix could almost make out the features of the riders.

Empty faces. A mimicry of nothing.

None of them were Dimitri.

Sylvain stayed ahead, but never so far that Felix couldn't follow behind. The stranger rode between them, reacting only when the ghostly riders around the three swerved or began to cackle in an inhuman chorus.

There it was again. Racing along the edge of the tower base, huge tusks thrashing whenever a shadowy rider tried to get too close to it. It had arrows stuck all along its haunches, and an ugly looking slash running along its back spine.

But there were more riders, hounding the beast as it tried desperately to fight back.

One of the shadows boldly cut it off and the creature tried to turn, only to slam into another rider. It stopped, staggering backwards as though stunned.

Sylvain seemed to get the idea, and curved back towards the animal. He gripped his spear, awkwardly holding it up...

Felix couldn't watch.

The boar let out a high-pitched scream as it buckled, its back spine torn open. Its one bright red eye swiveled around, wild from pain.

The riders faded in and out like wisps of smoke, curling around them, waiting for their prey.

Sylvain slowed his horse down, staying just outside the perimeter of the struggling beast. He stopped entirely, looking to Felix.

“Kill it.” The stranger commanded, black horse huffing as it paced in a small circle. “Receive your reward.”

“Isn't it going to die already?” Syvain asked, gripping tighter to the black-bloodied spear in his hand.

The man's eye narrowed. “Did you not come here to ease your suffering? That _thing_...” he nearly spat at the panting, collapsed beast, “is the reason for it. Can you not see that?”

“That's not...” Sylvain started, struggling.

Felix felt it, some distant, hazy realization creeping in the very back of his mind.

“Look at it again.”

Sylvain's eyes widened, and something dark crossed his expression.

“End its _pathetic_ existence and enter the Tower. It only lives because it _must._”

_Who says that_.

“Felix...” Sylvain bit his tongue, lips set in a grim line. “You... trust me, right?”

_Don't do it. Don't do it **please**_. Felix dismounted too, hesitant to step any closer to the scene unfolding in front of him.

Sylvain slammed the spear down, through the beast's neck.

And again.

“I didn't deserve what you put me through!” he snapped, to no one in particular. He raised the spear, the sound of muscles and skin tearing echoing around them. “I am _not_ going to clean up your mess!”

The spear crunched through bone, lodged directly in the thing's chest.

Felix threw up.

The only sound was their harsh pants and the low, metallic ring of bells.

In front of them, the stone doors of the Tower began to open. Light burst from behind, and Felix covered his eyes as he tried to scuttle to his feet.

Sylvain hesitated, standing at the entrance. He looked back to Felix, as though waiting for him to follow.

Felix ran, as fast as he could to keep up. If he could get in there, if he could...

The stone doors closed fast around the redhead, and the light disappeared.

"No, That's not..." Felix cursed, pushing against the stone. "Don't..."

He heard a sickening thud.

Felix turned, yanking his flashlight out. The stranger was on the ground, very still. His leg was bent at an unnatural angle, and blood was starting to darken his blonde-white hair.

"You!" The black-haired teenager rushed over, trying desperately to press his hands against the gash on his neck. "Tell me. What's going on? Why are you...?"

The man's eye spun upwards, weakly fixing on him. His lips moved slowly, red seeping past his mouth.

"Tell me. _please..." _Felix choked back a frustrated sob. "This doesn't make _sense_..."

"You...cam..." Felix felt a gloved hand, weakly curling around his wrist. "This is my..." 

The world _shifted_.


	15. so open yourself for me

“They weren’t supposed to be there that day. Dimitri wanted to come to my tournament so Lambert went early. It wasn’t even supposed to be dangerous.”

“Do you think he felt responsible for it?”

Felix looked downwards. Anywhere other than at his professor. “It wasn’t like he chose the date.” Cake again. _Cupcakes_, no less. With royal-gold sprinkles and winter-white icing. Carefully-arranged slices of oranges around them, and Felix questioned why anyone would go to that much bother. Food existed to e eaten, not as an art project.

“No one said it was rational.” She picked up one of the cupcakes, looking at it with genuine curiosity. “If wonder. If you had the chance to take away someone else’s pain, would you?”

“That’s not possible.” Felix felt his teeth ache, just looking at that amount of sugar. At least the tea was bitter.

“But if you _could_. If your suffering made theirs go away. If it brought you purpose...” She tilted her head,

“Then you'd be a fool.” It made Felix's chest tighten, just thinking about it. After Glenn... he'd always cast the weight away, as soon as he could.

“A kind one though.”

“That kind of kindness... would tear you apart.” He pressed his hand to his chest, feeling the cool metal. “Why me? Why are you telling _me_ this?”

“Because you remember. And you have abilities I do not. I... cannot.”

Felix scoffed. “Being stubborn?”

“Yes. And being clear-eyed, although you always look away. Please, Felix...” she waited, until Felix finally flicked his gaze up to meet her cat-green eyes. “Do not look away anymore.”

* * *

  
  


“Excuse me...”

Felix's eyes opened slowly. He saw a cloudy sky above him, and blue flowers were tickling his face.

There was an imposing, white-haired teenager staring down at him impassively.

“You're crushing my Forget-Me-Nots.” the teenager rumbled.

Felix sat up slowly, wincing as he looked down at the random bits of leaves and dirt all over his uniform.

“Please do not sleep in the flowers again. “ The teenager offered a hand up.

“Sorry.” Felix mumbled. He curled his fingers against the other's much larger wrist, letting him help Felix to his feet.

The white-haired teenager nodded, thoughtful. “Please be more careful. A precious friend has helped me plant these, and I would prefer his hard work not be disturbed.”

Sylvain.

He had to find Sylvain.

* * *

The redhead was in his dorm room, stretched out on his slightly-too-short bed with his arms behind his head on the pillow.

“You have flowers in your hair,” he said, raising his eyebrow. “And... you're missing class.”

“You're not hurt, are you?” He looked... fine. A little messier than usual, but _fine_.

“Huh. Hey, are you worried about me?” A too-gleeful grin spread. “Aw, Felix...”

“Be serious for once.” Felix came in and slumped down, resting his head against the edge of the bed. His head ached. If he closed his eyes, he could still see his hands covered in fresh blood, the panic of something going _wrong_.

That he was losing something important all over again.

Tea and cake, and someone telling him something, if he could just fit the puzzle together.

'I'm sorry. I wanted to remember. So I could tell you what I saw.” Sylvain furrowed his brows, 'It's still too fuzzy. I wasn't alone in there, I don't think.”

There absolutely was someone in the Tower. But... was it...

'You know the strangest part though? I could swear I saw Miklan. When...” Sylvain shuddered. “I didn't tell you because I didn't want to make a fuss. But... he got released. Over the summer. Started talking about,” the redhead raised his hands, mimicking air quotes, “'making it up to me.' Said he was a changed man. Just like he always did. And me, well, no one said I was smart.” The smile disappeared entirely. “So... my parents sent me here. To keep him away until they could figure out something permanent.”

Felix swallowed. His hand drifted out, gently brushing their fingers together.

“After last night... I don't care. I don't even feel angry at him, anymore.' Sylvain's voice drifted. “All those negative feelings... they're just _gone_. That shouldn't happen, right? It's not a bad feeling but...”

Just like Annette.

“You think it's some kind of weird magic?”

“I'm not sure.” There was no way killing a boar-monster could release you from pain.

No. Not release.

Just... put it on something else.

'You going to try again?” Sylvain looked at him seriously. Like he was waiting for a plan. “If you need me to go with...”

“We were lucky enough for Seteth not to notice the first time. So no. You need to stay here, even if you are a pathetic skirt-chaser.”

“Aw, Felix.” Sylvain patted his hand, and Felix grimaced. “I like this new you. He's... sweet.”

Ugh. Felix groaned, pressing his head against the blankets to muffle a string of curses.

“I hate you.”

“You too.” Sylvain rose up, stretching. “Stay here for a while. I'll smooth talk the cafeteria ladies into letting me get some breakfast to go.”

Felix listened to the quiet padding of Sylvain's feet as he exited, closing the door tightly behind him.

Was that it?

Was Dimitri alone in that Tower, taking whatever pain people gave him like some twisted punching bag?

“You're so stupid,” Felix murmured to the empty room, running his hand along the back of his neck.

* * *

“You know, Seteth's kind of hilarious, when you get him alone.” Claude had found him somehow, waiting to show up right at the end of practice. Not that Felix could even concentrate, and had been dismissed early. Which was just as well; Jeritza had been positively _murderous_ with a tournament coming up in less than a month. 'He's jut so... _stern_.”

Claude had taken Felix to a small balcony on one of the upper levels of the Academy that Felix was fairly certain wasn't open to students to begin with. It was an impressive sight, truth be told, the school housed in the oranges and reds of fall as far as the eye could see. The students all milling about, each caught in their own little world.

“Anyway, as far as I can tell, he didn't seem to notice a few students slipping out. Get him involved in a board game, and he loses all track of time. But I wonder...” Claude leaned forward, almost dangerously against the marble railing, 'He's good at playing coy too.”

“Thanks. For covering.” Felix couldn't believe it. The stern-faced Headmaster tucked in a chair, playing _games _like some seven-year-old.

“Covering?” Claude smirked, leaning back. “I never said I wasn't getting anything out of it. For example, did you know that there did indeed used to be a witch that owned this place? Centuries ago, she built it with ten other no-named individuals to, according to what I'm reading, protect against _otherworldly_ things.”

“Everyone knows that legend. It's in the brochure.” What was he playing at, anyway?

“Oh I know. But...” Claude winked, “The ten people _were_ real. Those medallions? Were the family crests, at the time.” He held up a small notebook, little bits of paper and yellowed copies sticking out of it. “They were custom-made by some famous artist that attended the very first year, and passed down family lines. What I can't figure out is, what happened to the woman.”

Their ancestors had all been at Garreg Mach? It wasn't that impossible. It was an elite academy, in an elite area, and it wasn't like Felix's own family didn't have multiple branches. But..

No. Felix didn't believe in fate.

“She probably just died.”

“I thought of that. But isn't it strange? For the founder to have _nothing_? No name? No records? Almost like he was scrubbed clean.” Claude glanced out, towards the surrounding forests. “So... what did you find out for me?”

Felix wasn't used to talking so much. It was exhausting. But...

He told him everything anyway.

“Wow. That's quite a tale, isn't it?” he said when it was over. “I think... it's time I went in there myself. I feel like I have half the story, but there's so much left to find. So... you in?”

This time. He wasn't leaving without Dimitri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Listen, you get Seteth playing Uno and it is full on Risk-level strategy. And Monopoly? He will wait ten minutes to decide on properties.
> 
> 2) 'How inventive, humans are. Why invent sprinkles? Or icing?' Byleth asked, between impolite bites of cupcake. The blue icing stood as a contrast against her pale lips. "And why pair them with oranges?"  
(this would not fit in, sorry not sorry.)
> 
> 3) Yes. Dimitri tried eating the weeds just once.


	16. who is this man that follows me

“If there is any advice I could offer you,” Professor Eisner started, “it would be to trust yourselves. Believe in your own judgments.” She smiled. “I recognize it’s easy to believe these are some meaningless exercises, but you will not be in a classroom forever. So on tests and life… be willing to take that risk.”

The room was silent, save the too-quiet noise of students shuffling in their seats.

“But yes. Next week will be nothing but tests.” The entire class groaned. “I have faith in you.”

Felix knew, even without looking, that Professor Eisner was looking directly at him again. 

* * *

Claude was waiting for him in the back of the gardens, right next to a large glass atrium covered in white flowers and thick green vines. Felix could see lovingly-tended roses inside, but the door was solidly locked.

“It’s a memorial,” Claude said conversationally as he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his thick aviator jacket. He still had his scarf on; a bright spot of color against the dullness of the evening. “Looks pretty good for as long as it’s been here. Every picture I’ve seen of this place in the library has it.”

“They’re just flowers.”

“They mean something to someone though.” Claude smirked. “Anyway. There’s a little whole in the back of the garden wall that some of us use to get in and out. Hilda knocked it open last year and… it hasn’t been spotted yet. You ready?”

He’d been ready for days. The only reason he hadn’t rushed off himself was that Seteth had made a point to come by each afternoon to check his door and window. And he always did it exactly when Felix’s fingers were starting to itch, even well past curfew.

Claude though, seemed completely immune to it all. Felix couldn’t figure it out.

“Come on,”

* * *

It really was starting to get cold. Felix could see patches of frost on the ground near the thicker trees. Things were quieter too, and the lack of noise only made him more uneasy.

The trees around them looked less and less bare as they advanced, and Felix tugged his hoodie tighter as the mist began to roll in. 

“Is this normal?” Claude asked, swinging his flashlight around with impunity.

Felix grunted. “It’s normal for here.” 

“Huh. And that… furred man?”

“I don’t know. He usually shows up, sooner or later.” Felix hoped it would be on horseback, and not a still corpse on the ground. “Just keep going towards the Tower.”

He was there. Waiting, statue-still on the back of that black horse. Two more stood behind him, grey with plain saddles. He was pale, but whole. Unharmed. Despite his common sense, Felix felt relieved.

“Wow.” Claude breathed.

“Again, you come here.” His voice was harsh gravel; practically accusing. Felix didn’t feel the least bit intimidated. “And another…” He tilted his head, studying Claude, “what business do you have here?”

“Well…” Claude pulled the front of his scarf up. Hidden beneath was an all-too familiar brooch. “I thought…”

“_No_.” Of course he did. Of course he had. As if Claude wasn’t keeping a hundred other secrets from him too. “No. It’s me, this time.”

The singular eye widened in surprise.

“You want me to play your stupid game? Fine.” Hands trembling, Felix reached down to pull out his necklace. It felt even heavier as he pulled it off to offer to the blonde. “But I _will_ get him back.”

Felix didn’t miss the moment of hesitation before the man took it. He pressed his hand against Felix’s chest. Just like last time, the metal started glowing white.

Something flickered in the man’s free hand. A ghostly image that kept _shifting_, of a broken bone-spear. 

Felix’s heart pounded.

Beads of sweat formed on the blonde’s temple, He grimaced, and Felix felt a strange coldness run through his very blood.

The spear faded out again. Felix looked down, vexed, as a pale, half-broken blade of a large, curved axe appeared on his forearm. It weighed next to nothing, and the edges were chipped, revealing yellowed marrow beneath.

“That was not yours,” the man said, pulling away quickly. “It is not whole”

“Do you know how to ride?” Felix couldn’t stop staring. No. It.. wasn’t…. no way.

“Not really. But I’m good at improvising.” Claude winked. “Good luck, right?”

He could do it. If he could just get to Dimitri, he could do it.

* * *

  
It was different in front. He could practically feel the physical tug of the shadows around them; and their cackling howls and laughs seemed to drive him to madness. Felix was sure it was getting into his head, his bones, that need to _hunt_.

The blonde was always a few feet behind, but Felix didn't dare look back. Claude had promised to stay back and observe, and Felix had to trust him to do so. There had to be no hesitation this time.

The shadows coalesced as the Tower loomed, closer and closer. Whispering an eager lullaby of blood and bones and ancient things.

And there it was. Even more hideous before, with its right tusk red and covered in viscera. The shadows howled, and Felix's pulse thundered in his ears. This close. He could have what he wanted. He just had to get closer, kill, _kill_...

Arrows flew, and the beast dodged many of them. Felix spurred his horse close, closer. He ran neck and neck with it, looking for an opening. Another spear flew through the air, hitting the creature's side had enough to stun it.

Felix's horse reared and he dismounted, the shadows circling in hungry anticipation.

He could do this.

He _must_ do this. For Dimitri. Dimitri who was too kind, who would keep Felix close and let him cry whenever they were alone. Who always smiled, always gave someone else the last cookie. Who... who never wanted Felix to be unhappy or hurt... and trusted...

“Kill it.” the blonde encouraged, pacing around him. “Do it, and your pain will cease.”

Trusted Felix to be Felix. To find him. No matter what.

The beast looked at him with its good eye, waiting for its end. The other one was an empty socket.

The left one.

“It's _pathetic_, isn't it? Begging for death? For _salvation_?” The man sneered, disgusted. “How can you _stand_ it?”

Felix glanced down, suddenly aware of the thing in his hands.

It wasn't a blade at all, was it?

“That's enough.” He stepped forward, forcing his heart to calm. For the shadowy cackles and jeers to just _stop_. “**Enough**, Dimitri. ”

Everything went silent.

It was right there. He'd been looking at it the entire time.

“I'm tired of you hurting yourself.”

The riders let out a high-pitched screech. They burst forward, getting closer and vicious and _wrong_. Felix raised his shield, suddenly on the defensive as blackened spears and arrows volleyed towards him and the beast behind him. His arm jolted with every impact, but the shield held out.

The shrieking grew louder, louder, and he couldn't even see the man – _Dimitri, he was there, he had to be_ he **knew **it behind the clouds.

And then they howled as a branch ripped through them. Felix saw Claude, swinging some kind of tree branch with aplomb as it cut through the shadowy riders like paper.

The beast burst forward, right towards Felix. On impulse, he grabbed on, somehow managing to swing onto the boar's back. There was nothing to grip aside from a patch of bristle-black hair, and he clung to it for dear life.

The boar thundered ahead, towards the Tower. It didn't slow down, and Felix's heart pounded tenfold. He desperately clung to his shield, blocking jagged, black arrows as they flew downwards from unseen attackers.

The Tower groaned as they slammed headfirst into its entrance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Felix just went full Twilight Princess there.  
Claude just went full action hero.
> 
> And yeah, Hilda kicked the wall. Into submission.


	17. take away this sorrow now i give you all that's mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter... has a lot of self-loathing and unwellness. Also brief mentions of violence. It is not The Pretty.

  


_Smile. Remember to smile for the camera. Act like everything's fine._

_They died for you, after all. Because of you. You remember? All those bullets ripping through Glenn that didn't reach you? The way Father looked at you, promised everything would be all right before they tore into his head with that knife? Remember? How easy it was?_

_Smile. Nod. Keep smiling. Don't forget it. Don't ever forget it. You live, because they are dead._

Felix breathed.

The light faded, and the world was... quiet. He was standing at the base of a spiral staircase, covered in white lilies and blue Forget-Me-Nots. White-gold candelabras were littered all along the wall, providing plenty of light and warmth.

Something stirred, and he looked down to see a cat-sized baby boar nestled comfortably in his arms. It looked ridiculous, Felix decided, but at least it was quiet and didn't seem to be causing any trouble.

“You broke through.” Byleth smiled, resting her hand against the bottom of the railing.

“Where are we?” Felix curled his arm protectively around the boarlet. “I solved it, didn't I? Why am I still here?”

“Let's go. To wake them from the dreams.”

He didn't trust her. He'd _never_ trusted her. How could he, when he'd been dragged around for so long? “What _are_ you?”

She'd already turned away to ascend.

He had no other path to take. The room had no doors.

Felix followed Byleth up the stairs.

  


_He hates you now._

_You took Glenn from him. You made him cry. You made all of them sad. Didn't they understand that you did it? Why are they looking at you? What do they want?_

_Smile. Remember to smile. You almost forgot, for a moment._

  


“A long time ago... my grandmother lived here. She loved it. Loved the people, that wandered into her lands. Blessed them.” Byleth's voice was wistful. “It was happy. She lived with her children, and they too indulged the silly humans that dared venture close. Gave them trinkets, as a promise that we would always favor them if they called on us.”

“Why tell me this? I don't care.” He just wanted Dimitri. Wanted it to be _over_.

“But then, one day... something changed. Fear, I think. Darkness. Sorrow. She tried... but she could not heal everyone. She could not take the shadows from their hearts. And so, they removed hers.”

_Your classmates are so very carefree, aren't they? They don't hear it. The screams. The fire. The gunshots._

_Are you fine? Smile. Nod. Don't you want to join them to play?_

_Felix is not here. But maybe, if he is not around you, he is safe. Being around you gets people killed._

The ground seemed a long way down, now. Felix clutched tighter to the boarlet, and ignored the indignant grunts it whuffed against his hoodie.

“My mother tried. She did. But she could not understand the darkness inside them. The depths of it. It drove her to madness. Despair.” Byleth hesitated. “We do not... understand it, as you do.”

_You're screaming, and no one is listening. They don't want to hear you. Not anymore. They expect things from you. They need things from you._

_You are empty. Hollow. Waiting to be filled, with... with something. Something other than this anger, that is gnawing in your stomach, filling your lungs and words up with bile. As you are, you are nothing. Base. Low._

_Are you fine? Smile. Nod. What do you want? My father wanted me to attend Garreg Mach. Yes, but what do **you** want? Smile wider. Don't think about the blood all over your filthy hands. I want to make my father proud. Liar. How can you live with yourself?_

“I could not reach her. She did not want to be reached. She locked me out, and I could not stop her.” Byleth held her hand out, and Felix took it. The stairs were starting to look worse and worse, the flowers around them were... wrong. Sickly. “This Tower.... was meant to keep us out.”

_You don't know why you're here. A wish, made at the Goddess Tower. It's absurd, but everything is. That you're walking around like a semblance of a person is the biggest fantasy of them all. They saw you, the real you, briefly. The one that snaps and breaks and destroys. The thing you loathe with ever fibre of your very being. It scared them. A monster. A... beast._

“Why? Why Dimitri?” Felix let out a shuddering breath, fighting back tears that had no meaning. He wasn't some eleven-year old _child_ anymore. He was better than that.

“I think... he just wished to help her. He's too kind, after all.”

_What do you want, my child? She looks sad. Mournful. She understands you, and briefly, you can feel your chest tighten. She's hurting too. They're all.. hurting._

This high up, the candelabras have dimmed. Felix swore the walls were dotted with stars.

_I want... You hesitate. You have no wants. You deserve no wants. If I could do anything... please. Take their pain away. It's all right, if I suffer, so long as they don't have to anymore. _

Byleth's wide green eyes were filled with sorrow. “It broke him in pieces.”

“That's...” No. He hadn't come this far to give up. “I won't. Dimitri's not gone.”

'No. Just... not whole. Hating himself. Hurting himself. Because he knows how to do it.” They stopped at a large door, covered in flowers and wood. Byleth pressed her hand to it, and her eyes glowed inhumanly green.

The wood splintered and the flowers fell to the floor. The door opened.

He was there, slumped on his side on a white chaise. Asleep. Sun-golden hair. As familiar to Felix as breathing. If his eyes opened, Felix knew they'd be as blue as a spring day. He'd never seen anything as blue, for as long as he lived. Beyond him, a woman was stretched out. She wore a white dress, her green hair spilling off the side of the bed. A fairy tale queen, locked in a dream she could not wake from.

But not a fairy tale prince.

Felix walked over quietly. Afraid that this, too, would disappear into nothingness. He set the boarlet down beside Dimitri's prone body. It curled up, unmoving from its spot.

“Get up, Dimitri.” He reached out hesitantly, fingers going over his shoulders. “Get up.”

Nothing.

“You have to wake up.' He bit his lip, looked away. “I didn't come this far to lose you.'

Nothing.

“I get it, okay? I... didn't want to before.” What was he supposed to say? Do? 'The ugly parts. The awful parts. I _saw _them. I know who you are. All of you.” Felix cursed quietly, ran his hands along Dimitri's jaw. “You don't have to be alone.' His hands skittered downwards, curling around slender wrists. “I'm not going to let you be alone.”

Something shuddered above them.

“Wake up. I told you. I'd follow you.” The ceiling rumbled ominously. Felix saw bits of stone rattle downwards. “I'd find you. No matter what.”

The walls were caving in. Felix's grip tightened as he cursed. “Dimitri! I'm _here_! I promised, didn't I?”

Slowly, painfully slowly, his eyelids fluttered.

“You don't get to play savior, if it means your own suffering. That's so... stupid. You don't have to hurt alone anymore.” He ran his thumbs along the inside of Dimitri's wrist. Ignored the way bits and pieces of tower were tearing apart around them. “Let go of it, Dimitri. Help_ yourself_.”

Two blue eyes opened, just as the floor caved in beneath their feet.


	18. you're like a solar flare in the rising sun

Felix woke up in the infirmary. 

Everything _hurt_, in some distant, medicated way. He looked down to see his left arm in a sling, and there was something prickling against his temple.

A very cross Headmaster was staring down at him.

“Well. I am glad to finally see you decided to wake up.”

“Wh…” Felix grimaced and tried to remember… something. Anything. He’d been somewhere bright. Somewhere…. Trying to hold on to something important. The room he was in was small, and comfortable, with a fall breeze blowing in. Someone had put a vase on the windowsill, full of bright blue and golden yellow flowers.

Blue… that was…

“Dimitri?” he mumbled, forcing his thoughts to coalesce together. “Where’s… where is he?”

“You’re officially on bedrest for the next week. You were very lucky not to break anything, although I must say, that was a rather nasty gash you had on your temple. I _should_ expel you for disobeying me.” Seteth sighed. “Mostly I’m relieved.”

“Oh come on, Seteth.” Claude’s voice drifted in from Felix’s left. “He didn’t _mean_ to get hurt. He was saving me from that bear. It was my fault for going out that night.”

“Riegan, you and I _both_ know there are no bears in that forest.” Seteth’s hand flew up to pinch the bridge of his angular nose. “The least you could do was come up with a _probable_ lie. Really, we should remove the rubble of that damned Tower and pretend it never existed.”

Felix very weakly turned his head to look in the doorway. Behind him stood Sylvain, his red hair extra-mussed.

“Sure, sure.” Claude winked. “Can we talk to him now?”

“if you insist.” Seteth shook his head. “I will be expecting _all_ of you to be on cleaning duty for the remainder of the semester. And kitchen duty. In fact, you will likely have very little free time.” He kept muttering, all the way out the door.

“He probably doesn’t mean that.” Claude settled into a chair, Sylvain right beside him. The redhead held a stuffed cat wearing a scarf, and Felix couldn’t stop staring at the thing. Its eyebrows couldn’t be normal.

“Mercedes and Annette made it. While you were out…” Sylvain set the cat on top of Felix’s stomach, “Don’t ask me. I just said it needed to look scarier.”

“Where’s Dimitri?” he asked again, and something deep inside cracked as the two of them stared at him vacantly.

“Anyway. “ Sylvain glanced towards the window. “Um. You feeling good? Professor Eisner found you two, collapsed near the remains of the Tower. It’s basically been the school scandal so you’re kind of a minor celebrity now. Not sure why anyone would want to go to those old ruins though. Kind of jealous, really. I wish _I _was getting all that candy thrown at me by the ladies…”

“I hate you.” Felix mumbled. The two of them. Just two.

Maybe he’d dreamed the whole thing.

“I know.” Sylvain reached out to squeeze his uninjured hand. “I’ll… uh. I can’t stay too late. My parents… well, family business. It’s not worth talking about.”

“At least get this cat off of me.” Talking made him tired. Thinking was making him tired. “It’s ridiculous.”

“You love it.” Sylvain squeezed his hand again. “Glad you’re awake.”

Claude was watching him. Felix hated that too. “What?”

“What do you remember?” Claude’s hand was on his chin, and his green eyes were a little too guarded.

“I don’t know.” It didn’t matter anyway. “Where’s Dimitri?”

“You know, Felix, you’re a really caring guy, huh?” Claude stretched. “Well. Guess I’m not done yet. Get some rest. I’ll handle Seteth.”

Felix was alone. With an ugly cat-toy… thing. Wearing a scarf.

“Jet Black Fuzzypaws, right?” he poked it. 

* * *

The moon was full outside. Felix had spent the past three days getting in and out of his bed, or avoiding his… friends as they corralled him all at once with gifts and hugs and too much _them_ when all he wanted to do was sleep for the next ten years. Maybe the rest of his life. Someone kept switching the flowers around, and Felix was starting to question who exactly was getting fresh ones this deep into fall and how they were managing to keep the damn things alive.

He couldn’t sleep.

Instead, he was reading numbly through a giant textbook full of sadistic math problems. Getting injured meant he’d missed all sorts of tests, but that also meant he had twice the workload.

Someone was shuffling in quietly. Felix didn’t look up. “You’re bothering me.”

“…My apologies.” The figure hesitated. “I can leave, if you prefer?”

Everything just…. Stopped.

He looked up, and Dimitri was there, awkwardly holding onto a white vase. His blonde hair was shaggier than he remembered, but it fit him, somehow. There was a set of tiny stitches running along his temple, almost exactly like Felix's. 

Even in the dim light, his eyes were beautiful.

“You…” Felix breathed, and suddenly there was too much inside. He was well and truly going to explode, he was certain.

“I… Felix…”

Dimitri didn’t get a chance to say more. Felix burst forward, tugging the blonde into a tight embrace. The vase dropped to the floor, water and flowers spilling everywhere.

Dimitri held him, his blonde hair tickling Felix’s face as the dark-haired teenager nuzzled into the warm pulse of his throat. His legs were going to give out, he knew it, and he let Dimitri slide them both gently down to the floor.

“Don’t cry, Felix.” Dimitri soothed, running his fingers up and down along Felix’s spine. “I’m here.”

“I’m not crying.” Felix lied. “Ugh. You’re…. horrible.” He let out a shaky, unsteady breath as he tried to press closer into the warm embrace. He had a horrible thought, that if he let ago again, he’d wake up and Dimitri would be gone. 

“I am.” Dimitri’s hand hesitated, and Felix dug his nails in a little to voice his displeasure. “I’ve put you through a great deal of trouble, haven’t I?”

“Then make it up to me.” Don’t leave. Don’t ever leave again. 

“Felix…” Felix felt Dimitri’s hands gently pulling them apart and he resisted, looking anywhere but at those blue eyes. The face he’d forgotten for too long, because he had willingly let go. Turned away from.

The blonde wasn’t smiling. There it was again. That darkness that Felix remembered, that he hadn’t understood at the time. Grief. Self-loathing. Anger. “I am far from being perfect. There are parts of me that are… unpleasant. And I…”

“Stop. I hate that you do that. We’re _human._” Felix sighed, slumping his head back against Dimitri’s shoulder. He’d had more than enough emotion for one day, let alone a lifetime. “Just... honest. Be honest.”

“Yes. I suppose so.” He felt long fingers running along his scalp, and Goddess, it felt nice. “But we are better. Together.”

Felix grunted. He needed to get up, move, because Dimitri’s shoulder was awfully damp and his arm was going to hurt like hell in the morning. 

“Thank you.” Dimitri tilted his head, pressing it against the top of Felix’s hair. It was the most comfortable Felix had been in years. “For finding me.”

“I promised, didn’t I?” He was definitely not going to sleep. Dimitri had a lot of things to make up for, as Felix intended to hold him to it. 

He fell asleep anyway. But Dimitri was still there, with him, when the sun rose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. DONE. Which is amazing cause I never finish anything.
> 
> But basically, this face came about one day as I was sitting here thinking "Hahah hey what if you wrote a Utena AU of Blue Lions? Wouldn't that be funny?" "....Unless."  
And somehow, that led into realizing that Dimitri makes an absolutely perfect self-loathing metaphorical Rose Bride, and Felix's emotional repression makes for a perfect anti-Utena, and that there were all sorts of shenanigans to be had if you just took out the princess / bride imagery and replaced it with violent Wild Hunt adventures instead.
> 
> I did try to do a little bit of fairy tale-ish stuff, ie Felix never offers his name to the angry/wild half of Dimitri, having three people go on the Hunt, but... I did bum rush a little bit. Unfortunately, time and attention is not always on my side.
> 
> But hopefully you liked it. And if you have never seen Revolutionary Girl Utena, it's worth a watch too. Although way more allegorical.
> 
> And y'all have to draw images of Dimitri in a Rose Bride outfit and/or Claude in an aviator jacket with a cool scarf. This is utterly 100% necessary.
> 
> Also Rhea, uh. She's on fishing trips. With Seteth and Flayn.


	19. coda - elegia

  
  


_You have to wake up._

A voice. An unfamiliar-familiar one. One that he'd heard before, in the fragmented, distant way of _running_ and _pain_ and _disgusting, filthy, repugnant_ blur of hatred and violence.

Time stopped.

Rewound.

He ran. He chased. He _seethed_. He provided absolution.

_I know you._

He would know him. Even if the name, the _self_ evaded, this was...

_Why are you **here**?_

He... died.

Again.

Again.

He took their sins. He freed them from _their _suffering. _It _did. For it – he did not deserve to...

_You're here again._

_Why?_

Death.

Dissolution.

Again.

He hated it. Oh, he hated it. _Reviled _that... _thing_. He was afraid. He had to run... surely...

_Enough, Dimitri_.

Dimitri?

Those eyes. Those always-clear, always sharp eyes...

They were...

_He _was...**he** was...

_I'm not going to let you be alone._

No. Felix needed _him_. Dimitri. That was...

_Help yourself_.

  
  


“Isn't it time to wake from your nightmare?”

Dimitri's eyes fluttered open. He winced, blinking tiredly as the world started to piece together again. Noise. Birds were chirping quietly. Sensations. He... hurt. He was cold. He was certain he was bleeding. There was something heavy pressing against his arm.

A flash of inky black hair falling against a pale face.

Oh.

_I know you. I'll always know you._

_You came after all._

“Byleth!” someone shouted from above him. Shadows moved around and Dimitri felt someone gently touching his forehead, pulling hair away from the cut.

“They're here.” He saw a flash of green eyes, vivid and familiar. “They're alive.”

Dimitri tried very hard to keep his eyes open.

  
  


“I am certain he will wake after just a little time. He is very sturdy, isn't he?”

Flayn really was tiny. Dimitri watched her as she fussed over Felix's blankets, and then pressed her lily-white fingers against the unconscious teenager's forehead. His own temple still itched from when she'd carefully, gently cleaned it and stitched the wound closed.

“Thank you. Your medical skills are very impressive. Especially for someone so young...” Dimitri was still too tired to smile, but it felt... better, almost, not to. The infirmary was small and private enough that he would be forgiven for such impropriety,.

“Thank you. It is always kind, when people believe me so young.” She smiled, reaching over to gently squeeze his hand. “But do get some rest yourself. You've had quite an experience, haven't you?.”

Had he?

“I... suppose so.” Dimitri reached over, hesitating before he touched Felix's hand. It didn't feel right, not just yet, but... “Please let me know when he wakes up.”

“Of course.” Flayn tilted her head, looking past Dimitri. “Hello, brother.”

Headmaster Seteth was there, watching them both with an inscrutable expression.

“I would like to talk to you, if you feel you're ready to.”

“I think...” Dimitri breathed, “That would be for the best, wouldn't it?”

  
  


He had been in the Headmaster's office once. Not long ago, and yet, it felt like lifetimes had passed. A fight... wasn't it? Yes. It must have been. He'd been so _angry_, because of what was said to a dear friend... had sat on that rage and let it fester over and over again.

He'd hated his own shortcomings. That was it.

When had he last _liked _himself?

“I must apologize to you.” Seteth started, his eyes fixed on Dimitri.

_It's all right._ The words were there, right on his tongue.

But that was wrong. _Felt _wrong. “I don't follow, Sir.”

“I should have been more concerned with your well-being than I was. I...did not catch your grief as I should have. For that, I _must _apologize, Blaiddyd.” Seteth reached up, rubbing his thumb against the bridge of his nose. “I have been a terrible mentor.”

“I do not believe I would have accepted any help.” Even now, his first impulse was to smother the unpleasant ache in his chest. To walk back to his room, gather himself together, and state he was fine. He would be _fine_.

But Felix wished for him to be honest. To be _here_.

“ Still.” Seteth dropped his hand and curled them together. “I cannot do anything about what happened. I can, however, ask what _you _wish to happen now. If you wish to leave this Academy, I can recommend you to anywhere else you wish to attend. Or, if you prefer, I would advise you to take some time to rest. You were in enough Advanced Placement courses that I have no concerns with your education slipping by the wayside.”

Dimitri hesitated. He curled his fingers against his knees, thinking about memories and dreams and Felix, trying desperately to wake him up from his own nightmare.

“You do not, of course, have to decide anything immediately.” Seteth intervened, “Part of growing up is recognizing your own limitations and how best to handle them.”

“If it's all right...” It was indeed difficult. He could almost feel the weight of his family name bearing down, demanding he show perfection. _Act _as expected. Poised. Professional.

Kill the Beast inside, until it no longer _ached_.

Seteth waited patiently.

“May I request you and I... talk? Regularly? Without judgment?”

The barest hints of a smile appeared on the Headmaster's face. “I am willing to offer whatever guidance I can, Dimitri.”

  
  


There was something surreal about walking down the hallway, brushing through students (_real_) towards his dormitory room (_untouched, just the same_) as though he had never been anywhere else. To see Mercedes (_Annette... I have... met you, haven't I?)_, her warm smile as she asked him where he'd been lately. To go to the gardens, and have Dedue embrace him, tell him that he'd been waiting patiently for his return _(You were so certain I would? Yes.)_

To remember that he was...

Wanted.

Not alone.

(_This is not the dream. I am no longer dreaming_.)

Dimitri placed the flowers carefully on the windowsill of the Infirmary. It was truly a surprise that they were still in such good health, but Dedue was nothing if not a master when it came to botany.

“He'll wake up, sooner or later.” Sylvain said from behind him as Dimitri sat in the small chair, observing the sleeping teenager. “But uh... how are you?”

“How am I?” Dimitri tilted his head. Felt his muscles try to create an empty smile. Strange, the things you noticed as you paid attention. “I am... a little tired.”

“It's weird. I feel like I haven't seen you all year. But... come to think of it...” Sylvain hesitated, his hand going up to rub at the back of his neck. “Huh. I can't seem to remember right.”

“I... was away.” That seemed the simplest way to explain it. “For personal reasons.”

“Well, glad you're back. He will be too. Although...” Sylvain shook his head. “No, it's nothing. Nothing to worry about. Hey, um... if you wanted to get back on the fencing team, I could talk to Jeritza. That guy you knocked out was kicked out anyway, so...”

“Thank you. I'll consider it.” Did he want to be on the team again? He enjoyed it, but...

But it was all right _not _to.

It was all right.

“Maybe we could have small sparring sessions? I do not believe it would be wise to re-join the team during tournament season.”

“Oh. Uh. Sure.” Sylvain gave a teasing grin. “I'm enjoying being captain right now anyway. Nobody bosses you around when you can boss _them_.”

“That is an absurd reason to be captain.”

Syvain did not look at him with any disparagement. No judgment. In fact, he seemed almost... amused?

“Guess Felix will just have to keep us in line, right?”

“Yes.” Dimitri reached out, hesitated. His fingers hovered, just a hair above Felix's still hand.

Not yet.

He couldn't yet.

  
  


A few nights later, the black-haired teenager was in his arms, crying. It felt... like Dimitri could finally begin to wake up in earnest.

  
  


“Are you certain you aren't cold out here?”

“No.” Byleth poured out two steaming cups of pink-ish tea that smelled like lavender and roses. “I don't get cold very often. If you prefer to go inside though...”

“No, thank you.” Dimitri surveyed the small gardens around them. It was always somewhat sad, seeing the greenery fade into browns and blacks as winter came in. The only spots of colors remaining were from stubborn bushes and the locked arboretum. “I am... a little chilled, but it is not uncomfortable.” He set his hands against the hardwood table, thoughtful. “It feels good, to be honest. A reminder that I am alive.”

“I truly am sorry.” she kept her unblinking gaze on Dimitri.

“It was not your decision. It was mine.” Dimitri picked out a small pastry, covered in cinnamon bits and burned at the edges. “The details are already hazy. Soon... I may not remember any of it at all.”

“That's how you know you were dreaming, isn't it?” She leaned back, her hands gently curling around her still-steaming cup. “There's no reason to try and stay asleep.”

“Perhaps.” Dimitri hesitated. Surely... this would be all right. She would understand. “I have to ask. Before I forget to. How is she?”

The tiniest of smiles drifted onto Byleth's face. “You are a terribly kind creature. “

“I'm not deserving of such praise.”

“Which is why you should hear it.” She glanced away, towards the arboretum. “She is hurting. She may always hurt. But... she is no longer alone.”

Dimitri stared into the tea in his cup. Thought of anger and self-loathing and a part of him that would always be there, always be dark and ugly, but perhaps just needed to be acknowledged and reconciled. “That is a blessing, isn't it? To be surrounded by others who genuinely care for you.”

“Indeed.” She sipped from her drink, “You may want to speak to Felix about breaking into your dorm at night just to check on you though. Seteth gets rather irritable with students sharing bedrooms.”

Dimitri choked. “He... ah. Yes. He is very stubborn, isn't he.”

She smiled.

  
  


The old, ruined remains of the Tower were strangely beautiful. The grey-white clouds above them reflected off the crumbled stone, contrasting against the darkened earth. Moss grew along he edges of the ground, somehow still alive even in the cold.

A group of white lilies were growing, just beneath the edges of what had once been the interior wall.

He could still see it, pushing up into the sky. A glittering mirage.

“Can't believe you're allowed to come here.” Felix grumbled at his side. His fingers were curled around Dimitri's, a new habit that Felix himself did not seem to be aware of. It was sweet, almost, but Dimitri was certain if he spoke of it out loud then the dark-haired teenager would proceed to walk off in a huff of indignant denial

“I asked.” Seteth had been full of advice, and resources, and apparently fishing tips that honestly made Dimitri's head spin. But... it was a good feeling. To be able to speak. To work through the still-present anger and anxiety that he had kept wound so long

Another huff. “Did... did this look different? Before?”

“In my dreams, it did.” Imposing. Dark. _Lonely_.

“Your dreams are horrible.”

“Yes. They can be.”

“Dimitri...” Felix started, hesitating. “During Winter Break...”

Dimitri tilted his head. “Yes?”

“You can come. Stay with me, I mean. My father won't care.”

“Thank you.” Dimitri squeezed his hand gently. The tips of Felix's ears grew slightly pink. Really. He'd... he'd missed this. Terribly. “I'd like that.”

“And after...” Felix fumbled, “Next year...”

“I want to keep moving forward. With all of you. I don't think I want to keep doing the same things I have been.”

Felix's lips pursed. “That's... that's good. Better.”

“Are you ready to go? There's no reason for us to stay here anymore.” Not when there were so many good things that he was allowed to _have_, to be a part of. That he had Mercedes' kindness, and Dedue's infinite patience and calm, Sylvain's insight, Seteth's wisdom, and Felix's...

All o Felix. Infinitely loyal, determined, and sharp, and somehow _here._

“Yeah.” Felix gave the barest of smiles, and it was truly a sight. “There isn't. Come on, Dimitri.” Felix led him away, and Dimitri willingly followed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brain: hey  
brain: hey  
brain: you know that fic you actually finished  
brain: hey did you ever think of writing this scene here...  
me: oh gosh/darnit/
> 
> Felix does not hold hands, all right? That is totally not a thing he ever does he is not at all clingy sometimes TOTAL LIES.
> 
> Dimitri does end up re-joining the fencing team as a sub. Just for fun and because he is a beast that needs physical exertion. Felix gets roped into music practice with Mercedes. Their next year at Garreg Mach is terrifyingly normal and mundane save for that time Sylvain gets locked in a janitor's closet because he flirted with a girl who got the better of him. That was an experience. Especially when Dimitri accidentally broke the entire door in his "Oh no he could be suffocating in there" panic.

**Author's Note:**

> I will try my darndest to finish this but I will be the first to admit I am awful at WIPs.  
Also no, the title doesn't actually have anything to do with anything. I just like the song.


End file.
